Running Is My Crack

October 31, 2012 by despitemyself 2 Comments

“Find the crack…In the darkness, there’s always a crack. It’s how the light gets in.”
~Fringe “Northwest Passage“

My nod to the holiday.
Happy Halloween/Samhain/whatever!
(from C.A.A. on fb, click image for link)

I guess that should say “Hope you had a happy Halloween…”  I’ve been trying to write this post all day, but I kept doing stuff like mopping, cleaning, taking out the garbage, etc.  Where are my priorities??  But seriously, I am glad to be feeling a bit more motivated & energetic these days.  Sad I haven’t been able to run this week, but I get my new shoes Saturday.  Hurray!

This post has been sitting in my drafts for a while, & as you might guess from the quotes I was Fringe bingeing before this final season started.  I loved that line & it reminded me of something I mentioned in a post over the summer but never followed up on.  I mentioned I had started crying while I was running, but what was I crying about?

Happiness.

I was out running & suddenly wanted to dance.  I saw myself dancing in the road.  I saw myself going out dancing when I move to Portland.  And I cried because I realized I felt happy.  For the first time in a decade I felt genuinely, hopefully, enduringly happy.  Over the years I’ve had moments of being happy, but never anything that stuck, that felt real.  I used to love to dance.  I went dancing every weekend, I danced at home, I took dance lessons, & I even danced in the grocery store much to my roommate’s embarrassment   Years of living with Depression had taken that away from me; Depression is the thief of happiness.

Running was the first thing in years to make me happy (at least that was good for me – lets not talk about candy & gaming).  It was the crack that let in the light.  I had been getting back into treatment, but it takes time for those changes to take place, not to mention I was at a really shitty place in my life which always makes it harder.  I started running in spurts as I walked & that lasted a couple of months.  It was a while before I got going again, but as I have mentioned before another thing running did for me was give me something I didn’t quit.  I did get back out there & that lasted a little longer.  It’s been a few years now of running on & off, but I hung in there & this year I have only had a few relatively short breaks.  The more I run, the better I feel.  The better I feel, the more I run.

Running, along with the meds & what therapy I’m able to get, have led to fewer & shorter depressive episodes this year.  For that I am very grateful.  I don’t think I would be anywhere near where I am at now if it wasn’t for running.  I’ve been in therapy & I’ve been on meds, but I have never felt this good about my life & myself (excluding undergrad which was awesome & usually high.  This depression really set in when I went to grad school.)

Sometimes I feel kind of like a crack dealer when I talk to people about running.  I evangelize it & even cried talking about running in group therapy a few months ago.  It was great to be thanked this month by one of the other women who started walking because of me. I also have a friend who wants me to help her get started running.

I wish I could bottle what running does for me & give it to people, but everybody has to find their own happiness.  It isn’t always easy & it won’t always come from where you think (I never thought I would enjoy running), but if you put in the effort you can find your light.

What’s your crack?