They even have a test for the mutation.  It costs $200.  Not cheap, but less than I’d imagine.  Can’t say I’ve been price checking genetic tests though.

Not sure what you could really do with this info, since high fat diets are generally considered unhealthy anyway.  It could be a more severe issue than this article lets on however, so a greater intervention that just not eating a high fat diet could be needed.  But either way I thought it was interesting.  Who knows what this could lead to or what they might find next.

Gene Might Boost Risk for Obesity: MedlinePlus

I like this quote & wanted to share it.  Depression is often compared to illnesses like Cancer, but one thing that separates it from those is Depression robs you of the will to get better & even the hope that things can improve.  It’s hard to remain motivated to make any changes when you can’t believe they will make any difference or that you can even be successful.

That is why having a good support system is so vital because you need someone to believe & have hope & be motivated for you.  Someone who can gently nudge you to take  care of yourself, but be there to care for you with love & understanding when you are not even ready to take that step.

“Previously, studies of healthy individuals have shown that intranasal doses of oxytocin reduce activation of brain circuits involved in fear, increase levels of eye contact, and increase both trust and generosity,”

 

Early clinical data also indicates oxytocin may help women with anxiety disorders.

“A hug or a touch that causes a release of this hormone might somehow change brain signals,” MacDonald said.  “We want to see if we can harness this response to help patients who suffer from depression.”

 

Treating Depression with the Oxytocin, the Love Hormone | Psych Central News

The article was brief & lacked a good punchy snippet, so I put together a bit of highlights there for you.

Currently, I am not on any anti-depressant atm, because my psych is still tweaking my mood stabilizer.  That’s cool, but if I don’t get one soon I may murder myself on her desk in protest.  I have been on a higher dose this month, & have actually felt worse, more blah & unmotivated.

I have exercised very little, despite the unseasonably nice weather we have had & the fact the long loop I preferred has finally opened back up after last year’s tornado damage & finally dried up from January’s flooding.  C’est la vie.

What I have been doing still is binging.  Thankfully, I just don’t seem able to manage the quantities I used to, so that’s good.  I am still eating more of unhealthy foods than I should.  Often I feel like a bottomless pit.  I am driven to eat regardless of hunger & do not feel like I can ever get full.  No amount of food satisfies, but rather I eat until I feel numb, or run out of food.  Whichever comes first.

As I said before, I am not following an diet plans or rules, I am just eating & trying to make better choices.  I have been eating more fruits & veggies.  My current favorite snack is sunflower seeds with dried cranberries; sweet, crunchy, & filling.

I had gotten into daily sugar munching mode, which exacerbates my binging & general bad eating patterns.  For the last three days though, I have not had any sugary snacks.  It is not by plan or by rule, I just realized one day I had did not eat any sugary snacks the day before & decided to just roll with it.  I can have them if I want them, but I really do want them to take a step back in my life & be the daily habit they so easily become.

I have been visiting a forum for over eating & binging, & someone there recommended xylitol as a sugar sub.  It is said to be good for your teeth & also good for sinuses & ear infections.  My research into the matter has my intrigued.

Hope everyone is doing well!  I have group therapy this week (blah, but maybe I’ll participate) & my next psych appointment is in a couple of weeks.  I expect a dosage change, up or down I’m not sure.  Hopefully we’ll get it right soon, so I can get an anti-depressant.  I am sure I need one.

It’s six pages long, so honestly I did not read them all.  I read the first two pages & skimmed the rest.  IMHO, the first page is the most interesting, but that’s how articles usually are.  If you put the best stuff at the end, no one would ever that far.

The comments had some interesting information regarding alternative sweeteners.

Sugar High: The Dark History and Nasty Methods Used to Feed Our Sweet Tooth | Food | AlterNet.

Pretty much the truth of it. Every. Damn. Time. (pinned on Pinterest & just labeled "uploaded by user" so I can't track it back to a source or even find where I pinned it from it's been so long. Sorry.)

Here it is 2012 & I have been quiet for a while.  I’m still here, I just haven’t been updating.  But since I’m here now, I shall give you the 411 of what is going on with me.

I went back to the MHC & am back on meds.  I am taking lamotrigine, a mood stabilizer, & we are still playing with the dose.  I’m feeling pretty good these days.  Not great & happy & like I could crap a rainbow, but better than I was feeling.  I also have something for anxiety that I keep by the bed.  I haven’t had to take it very often, but it helps knowing it’s there.  Pretty much I’ve only taken it on those nights I can’t sleep because my brain is running in circles reliving all the things I’ve done wrong in my life & I can feel things spiraling in a nasty way.  That never ends in a good place.

Going back to the MHC was not an easy decision, but when I realized there were no other realistic options in this area, I had to.  I had gotten myself to a pretty good place already, so I was able to just take a few deep breaths & know that what they did before was wrong, but for myself I had to let that go & move forward.  I can’t let anger & bitterness hold me back from getting the help I know I need.

I did start bingeing (that doesn’t look right to me, but spellcheck assures me it is correct) again a few months ago.  Not bad, but enough.  I have put back on maybe 12lbs, but that’s okay.  I had to quit Weight Watchers because finances are extra tight right now & I just can’t justify it when I have had to take on a greater financial responsibility at home.

I am running again.  I had another depressive episode & stopped.  It took a while after I got to feeling better, but this week I got back out there.  I am really enjoying it.  Surprisingly I have maintained a lot of the progress I had made.  I’m not doing anything formal just going out & running when I feel like & walking when I don’t.  And stretching of course.

I have decided this year I am going to focus on my mental health & on running.  That’s it.  I’m not going to worry about my eating.  I will be keeping my mind on healthful eating, but I have realized eating is my comfort.  I think until I get my mind settled & can either better cope with what is going on in my life or have a life with less to cope with trying to quit emotional eating is like trying to quit smoking during a divorce.  It’s a bad idea that has little chance of success, & a better chance of making you feel like failure.  I have enough in my life to feel like a failure over.  Besides, I find when I’m more active & enjoying it I naturally eat less & eat better.

Anyhoo, that’s what is going on with me.  I’m going to be changing some things up around here.  I will probably still do progress photos, but not tracking my weight & measurements.  I’m not going to worry about my weight anymore, but on how I feel & how my body feels.  Photos will be a nice way to keep up on how my body might be changing, plus how genuinely happy I look along the way.

I will also be adding a page for “races”.  I plan to do some 5Ks this year.  This will probably mean trying to get sponsorship for them or making some sales on my handmade items.  I finally have my Etsy shop up, so hopefully I can use that to help out.

Hope this finds all of you doing well!

Another free workout mix from Subway & TBL.

Six songs:

via The Biggest Loser and SUBWAY© Workout Mix – Wake Up and Workout.

I recently discovered I have a running count of search terms people use to find my blog going back to the beginning.  Here are the top five all time most popular search terms used to find my blog:

committing suicide	115
suicide bridge	79
suicide victims by jumping	76
suicide by jumping	55
jumping off a bridge	47

Here is number six:

macaroni salad

43

And to round it out, here are numbers seven through ten:

people committing suicide	31
jumping off bridge	24
suicide jumping	24
bridge suicide	23

Granted, I have discussed the issue of suicide in a few posts here, but that picture is the only time it has been related to a bridge.  Every day I have hits like this.  It concerns me that this many people are doing suicide related searches.  Of course that doesn’t mean all of these people are considering suicide, but for those that are:

Suicide is just one answer to whatever problems you are facing right now, & it’s not the best one.  But it is the permanent one.

Whether you realize it or not, there are people who love & care about you, who would be devastated if you died.  I know when you’re in the darkness it doesn’t feel like it, but that doesn’t diminish the truth of your place in their life & their love for you.

But don’t just hang on living in pain & suffering for someone else, get help.  There are people who want to help you.  I don’t know where you are, or what your situation is, but I know there has to be someone who can help you, even if it’s just to find the right place to go.  Talk to someone.  Be honest.  I’m alive today because I was.  And no lie, it’s a daily struggle not to give in to the bleakness & the voices, but once you do give in all your other options are closed.  All the things you might have done in your life, all the other lives you might have touched, are gone.

Here is a list of numbers for those in the USA who do not feel they have anyone they can turn to: SuicideHotlines.com

For those outside the USA, here is a list of international suicide hotlines by country: International Suicide Hotlines

For those in the GLBTQ community who want to know they person on the other end understands their particular issues, here is a link to The Trevor Project & their Trevor Lifeline.

This page provides links to other pages for depression & suicide, where you can find other people who know how you feel, & many who have come through it.

However hopeless it feels right now, nothing is truly hopeless as long as you’re alive to fight through it.  I know how it feels to be empty & alone, to not be able to see any kind of happiness ahead of you.  To feel like your best option is to end it all, & that it would be the best thing not just for you but for everyone.  But I’ve called the hotlines & I’ve talked to people about how I feel.  I have this blog & a new blog just for being wacky & bipolar.  I write things on paper, too.

I often feel like nobody gives a shit about me, but I have to keep reminding myself it’s the disease talking.  I have to constantly remind myself of all the loving things people have done for me in my life.  Like I said before, it’s a battle I fight every day not to give in to the voices that tell me I’m useless & everyone would be better off if I were dead.  It’s not easy to overcome it, even for a little while, but it’s worth it when I have those good days, or just good moments.  And I just keep moving forward & try to take care of myself, believing someday it’s going to get better & I’ll have a year where the good days outweigh the bad.

So hang in there.  It can get better, but only if you’re around to see it.

A few rather simple ingredients to boost a peach yogurt beyond its container.

Something new from the home non-cooking front.  My current yogurt obsession is Great Value’s Peach Lowfat Yogurt.  (I buy the four pack, so mine looks a bit different than what’s pictured on the site.)  It’s cheap, available in my area, & has stats comparable to other brands; not to mention it has a great texture & flavor, & actual bits of peach in it.  Not a lot of fruit yogurts can say that.

If you’ve been reading a while you know I like to add Fiber One to my yogurt to fill it out some.  I’m also a big fan of adding cinnamon & ginger to anything.  They both have many health benefits, which will of course vary by the quality & freshness of what you’re using.  (I’m not specifically recommending – or not recommending – my brands for either of those, but they are within my budget & accessible.)

So here is what I do to make my peach yogurt taste more like a peach pie (notice I said more; this simple method will not have you swearing you just ate some peach cobbler, but it’ll give you a taste of it).

• Peach yogurt (you already know what I’m using)
• Fiber One cereal
• ground cinnamon
• ground ginger
• light brown sugar (optional)

1. Scoop the yogurt into a bowl big enough for it & at least as much again in cereal.
2. Add cinnamon, ginger, & brown sugar* to taste.  The sugar gives it a closer taste to actual peach pie (or cobbler, whatevs), but it isn’t necessary.   I like lots of cinnamon, but just a little ginger, & maybe a  tablespoon of sugar for the whole thing.
3. Add in the Fiber One.  I probably use about 1&1/2 as much as the yogurt, but of course I don’t actually measure anything.  If you do the yogurt cup would make a simple way of doing it.  I like a good bit of cereal in mine, but not so much it’s dry.
4. Mix it all up & eat it.  Voila!

Hopefully you’ll enjoy it.  Nothing I’ll be winning any culinary awards over, but maybe something you hadn’t thought of.

Tah dah!

*You can see in the first pic I’m using Domino’s “Brownulated” granulated light brown sugar.  This was something I decided to try for the first time.  It tastes well enough in this, or in the carrots I made for Thanksgiving, but when I tried it straight meh.  It has a bit of an off, maybe styrofoamish taste to it.  But it doesn’t clump & does pour easy, which are its selling points.  And it costs about the same as regular brown sugar & comes in a zip top bag, & the only ingredient in it is brown sugar so it doesn’t seem to actually be made with styrofoam.

Like I said, it tastes well enough in other foods, but I’d keep in mind how it does measure for measure.  Taste it for yourself if you try it & decide how much more you need to measure out for the sweetness you want, since it is less compact that traditional brown sugar.

It's me! Wearing a beret & trying not to look angry while taking my own picture. Not sure why I seem to look angry in most pics I take of myself, guess it's concentrating.

So I got the rare invite to a holiday dinner with my sister & her clique of cousins on my mother’s side of the family.  I used to try to find out what was going on when, but I got tired of people hem-hawing around it when I asked & then not returning my calls.

I had a good time.  Granted my outfit was a bit an unfortunate choice, but I wore nice shoes.  That counts for a lot.  I’ve lost enough weight now that things are fitting so well anymore, but not so much that it’s worth fixing or replace them, so I just look schlumpy every where I go.  It’s not outside the norm for me anyway.

So, my cousin who has lost a bunch of weight after having gastric bypass caught me alone on the couch & told me all about it.  What it was like, how it was after, the depression she felt the first couple of months since she could no longer comfort herself with food, insurance issues with it, what led to her decision to do it, everything.

This was after she had been talking to my sister. I can’t say they were talking about me, as they are a gossipy bunch so I naturally try not to keep up with what the hens are clucking about.  During the conversation she never seemed to be suggesting it to me, but the fact that it came completely out of left field & she came all the way over to me to talk about it left me with one assumption.

“Hey Joy, why don’t you have the surgery too?  Think of all the weight you can lose, just like me!”

Possibly I read too much into it.  It happens.  But I listened & went along politely.  Talked about other people I’ve known who have had gastric bypass & the lap band.

I can’t say I haven’t thought about it.  Actually several years ago I found myself seriously looking into it, but that’s when I realized how much my weight bothered me & started trying to get serious about changing my habits.  So it’s been a rough several years.  Pretty much the same on again/off again as it has been since starting this blog.  Meh.

The best I did was when I was stable on an anti-depressant & on meds for sugar & hormones.  I lost thirty pounds in a few months.  Without either of those it’s taken me nearly a year & a half to lose that much.  But I have an appointment coming up to get started on my psych meds again, & from there I’m going to try & get back on metformin & birth  control for my PCOS.

But that was my holiday.  I had dinner with my father’s family Wednesday.  I texted with a friend of mine to work out what to wear, so I was much happier with my outfit then.  I have pictures!  Okay, a picture & it’s a crappy cell pic of me in a mirror in my tiny room.

TD2011 outfit for Wednesday night.

Hope everyone had a great holiday!  Or a great day if you are not in the US:)