“As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed.”
~Vincent van Gogh~ (Self-Care Quotes)
So last week was pretty much a bust. I did nothing around the house, went nowhere socially, & didn’t call anyone. I did text & email a few people though, which is good. I spent the week locked in by snow & ice, & the couple of times I did get out I went for fast food & soda. Being cooped up led me to feel extra stressed & mopey, & loading up on fat, salt, caffeine, & sugar didn’t help anything. I definitely feel better & deal better when I eat healthier & drink enough water. And get regular sleep.
My sleeping has gotten way off. I’ve been staying up till 8am & sleeping till 2pm or so, often even earlier. This means not only am I sleeping away nearly all the daylight hours we get these days, but I’m not even getting a full night’s sleep; very bad. I feel constantly tired & lack the energy to care about doing anything, much less actually doing it.
Add to the snow crazies, I found out a friend of mine is not doing well. She experienced a coma & organ failure last year after a surgery, & miraculously survived but has pretty much been either in the hospital or a rehab facility since then. Her family moved her closer to them, which is much, much farther from me, & from what I understand she has lapsed back into a coma & is fighting for her life. They are asking for prayers & saying she needs another miracle to survive. Understandably this has had me quite upset.
I found out about this Friday night via a family member posting to her Facebook wall. I was afraid to go to sleep after reading that, but I eventually did. I woke up afraid & immediately checked her page to see if there was any updates. None. But no news is good news, right? I found myself regularly checking her wall to be sure I hadn’t missed anything & then I was just stare at her pics. I posted a pic from the last time I visited her on my page & made a little post about her needing to get better. When I went out I felt incredibly anxious, on the verge of panic at times, & felt like there was a huge rock on my chest.
I emailed & texted with some friends who also knew her about how scared I was. We were/are all scared. My mother died a couple of years ago, suddenly so no time to dread it coming – other than my usual thoughts about people in my life dying & the dread that came with that. I realized I felt like my mother was dying. The gripping fear & anxiety pressing into my chest making it hard to breath, moments of panic at being helpless. My mind had already made up its mind she was dead & was grieving.
While everyone else is hoping for the best, I am thinking about what flowers to send to the funeral. (Seriously. A friend invited me to a show the end of this month, & I told her I can make if my other friend doesn’t die, otherwise I’ll be spending my ticket money on flowers.) That’s fucked up. Since realizing it, I have taken a step back from it & my anxiety has lessened a good deal. At least about that.
So basically spent this week just hanging on while time passed, nothing really to say that I did. Here’s the break down based on my goals per last Monday.
- Self-care. I’m embarassed to admit it, but I didn’t even make my goal of two showers for last week. I took one. (Although I took one this afternoon too, so I’m clean while I write this.) I meant to everyday, but kept getting distracted before I actually got around to it. Tennis & my WW meeting were cancelled this week due to the weather, so I had nowhere to go, no one to see, & I couldn’t have gotten there if I did:~/ This week will be better though! Hell, I might even take three.
- Do more housework. Yeah, another fail here. I did nothing, except get out the garbage in the bathroom. My dad took out the rest of the garbage. There may have been some dishes washed during the week, too. Not exactly housework, but I did some baking last night, too.
- Be more social. Snow. Couldn’t leave. Didn’t call anyone, but swapped some emails & text messages.
- Keep up with this blog. That I have done. Got my Sunday post in really late, as in Monday morning late, but I knew it was pushing it since I didn’t cook until dinner time. I’m also just doing this one Monday night & I have been writing my posts the night before & scheduling them to post 8am on the day. I was tempted to just blow this off, but I’m committed to keeping this up & staying on schedule. I need regularity & responsibility.
For the coming week, things are looking better already!
- Self-care: As mentioned I have one shower under my belt for the week, & I have WW on Thursday, so I’m sure to get another one in. I feel so pathetic. I don’t know what my problem is with this; which I’ve said before. I avoid going places just because I feel I need a shower before I go out, & it just feels like too much. Maybe part of it is all the wondering my mind does in there. I start thinking about all kinds of things in shower, which leads to anxiety, & talking to myself. Sometimes I even realize I’m yelling. I prefer taking showers when I’m the only one home. I also lose a lot of time, get confused, & have dizzy spells. I frequently find myself standing there & can’t remember what I was doing. I pick up bottles of soap & shampoo, staring at the labels trying to form an answer in my mind for what’s going on. I forget how to take a shower or even that I’m in the shower. I have problems with my ears due to chronic sinus issues & sometimes my sugar gets low. I’ve had several dizzy spells in the shower, usually when tilting my head back to rinse my hair. So far I’ve managed not to fall, which is a good thing. Crazy, lazy, or an unconscious barrier to scary things that happen when I get naked & wet, I will feel better about myself when I get my self-care issues under control. That’s not just showers, but how I take care of myself through nutrition & physical activity.
- Go walking more. I’ve been working on exercising more, but specifically going for walks is very meditative for me. Plus, studies have shown time in nature is a great boost for your mood. Not to mention, getting out & seeing other people when I go for a walk in the park here. I have tennis tomorrow, which counts for exercise, even if it’s not specifically walking, & I’ve marked Thursday before WW & Saturday to go walking.
- Less caffeine & sugar, more water. I did a little googling, but didn’t readily find any articles to link for you I was overly impressed by. Suffice it to say, we all know drinking water & staying adequately hydrated are good for you. Dehydration can make you feel more tired, hungry, & confused, & lord knows I don’t need any more of that than I already have. Over indulgence in sugar & caffeine mess with my head & make me feel wonky. I am a firm believer in moderation, though some things are harder to moderate than others… A healthy, balanced diet is good for the body & the mind, & people with mood disorders are especially vulnerable to the effects of a poor diet.
- Actually do housework… I washed dishes & did laundry today. I had more on my to-do list, but at this point I’m calling today a success:~) Besides playing catch-up this week my special projects are to clean off a particularly cluttered end of a kitchen counter & actually getting all my laundry done…
- Be more social. I have my class tomorrow & afterward I have plans to meet friends for lunch. I also have a local friend who should be back in town this week & maybe I’ll even catch up with him.
- Continue with my regular posting here. Even if it isn’t award winning content, I’m building something here & enjoying it. Regularity. Responsibility. Routine.
Okay, I’m calling it a night! I’m planning a post on why I thought the blogosphere needed one for losing weight with mental illness. It’s something I’ve been asking myself.