“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break.”
~William Shakespeare (Grief Quotes)
The friend I mentioned in Monday’s post passed away today. Needless to say, I am greatly saddened by this. She was a wonderful person & friend who was very supportive of me & my “issues”; especially since we shared a lot of them. She was someone I initially became aware of through comments on a mutual friend’s journal, but we didn’t become actual friends, online or off, until we met in person at a weekend spent with the aforementioned mutual friend.
When I was low & broke & miserable at the place I was staying, she bought me a Greyhound ticket to come stay with her in Charlotte, NC, & kept me there for a whole two weeks. We hung out, went shopping, she took me to some yummy local eateries, went to the movies, & even went to karaoke one night. We also spent an inordinate amount of time at Walmart.
She had a hip issue, so when she was in the behemoth retailer she used one of their electric carts. She wanted me to get one & ride with her, just for shits & giggles, but I declined because I would have felt uncomfortable like I was cheating someone else who might need it (though there were several). I always kinda wished I would have done it & now I’ll never get to scooter race her around the big blue box.
I spent New Year’s 2010 there with her & it wasn’t long after I left she became ill. She was sick for a long time, going back & forth between doctors, before someone finally figured out she had a bowel obstruction & they did emergency surgery. Most of what I know is second hand, if not third or fourth, as she pretty much disappeared from the internet & wasn’t answering calls. I finally heard from a friend who heard from a friend who heard from our friend’s roommate, she was in a coma & the hospital was calling in her family. I called every hospital in Charlotte till I found her, but while she was responsive to some degree by this time, she wasn’t able to have calls.
Months later she made a Facebook post to explain she had the surgery & had ended up in a coma with organ failure. They had called her family down to say goodbye, but miraculously she got better. The doctors said they had never seen anyone recover like that. After some time in the hospital she was moved to a rehab facility, where she would stay until her more recent turn for the worse led her family to take her home close to them. And that leads us up to today when we learned she passed away at 1:05pm.
I am feeling somewhat fortunate to have had my weekend of panic & anxiety where my mind was reacting as if she had died already. Over the weekend, when I was able to pinpoint the source of my anxiousness, I got to smooth it over by telling myself she wasn’t dead yet & could very well make another recovery & be fine. So today, when it became the actual present instead of the possible future, I had a sense of calm. Granted after a little while it hit me, but I seemed to have passed the worst of what it might have been before it even happened. I’m especially thankful I am not flashing back to my mother’s death now.
I had another topic planned for today, but after receiving the call I just didn’t feel up to writing it. I wish I had it in me to at least write in some take away point for anyone who reads this, but I don’t. Well, maybe the point is to take time for grief. We all experience it differently & on a different time frame, & have our own ways of dealing with it; but we all go through it at some point in our lives. You can chose to let yourself feel it now or later, but don’t think you can get away from it forever.