“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Yeah. I noticed I had not only gotten back to actively playing facebook games. Not just the usual three or four, but bunches of games. I started playing them not just in the evenings while watching TV, but first thing in the morning when I got up. I have been spending hours day & night on these wastes of time. Okay, me wasting hours of my day on gaming is nothing new, but on facebook games??
I decided to limit myself & focus more on things around the house I’ve been procrastinating on, & that’s where it got crazy. I realized I was angry. Really, really, crazy angry. About anything & everything. The kind of angry where someone saying hello might as well be punching me in the face.
I don’t consider myself a naturally angry person. I can be quick tempered, but I get over it just as quick. But events around the US & the world have really gotten me in an angry funk. And it’s made me angry about stuff around the house. Well, that & sometimes I think my dad wants me to choke him. The worst part is it’s the kind of anger that knots up inside my chest & turns to hopelessness. Nothing I do can change any of it. (& trust me, I have tried with my dad. I think getting him to actually put his trash in the trash can instead of piling it on the counter beside the trash can might require another suicide attempt. No wonder I’m such a drama queen.)
I decided to look up “bipolar anger” & see what I came up with. The second article was actually on Borderline Personality Disorder. Here’s a little bit about what it said, that I found most interesting about the current situation (emphasis added by me):
“Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual’s sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the “borderline” of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation.”
“While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.”
The bold parts are highlighting what I felt most pertinent to what it going on with me now & I added the italics just to show what it is about BPD that made me go Aha! when this diagnosis was first mentioned to me. There’s another article that mentions easily shifting feelings about people, but that’s another issue entirely I’ll save for another day.
And beyond that I’ll just say I’m having some crazy scary thoughts with this & on the way to the store the other day I nearly made a detour to the nearest psych hospital. But I’m pretty sure my thoughts would require far too much planning & action to accomplish, not to mention gas money. But I am eaten up by the feeling the politicians & corporations ru(i)nning this country want me to kill myself.
I can’t wait till my Medicare starts in May so I can get back into care. I need to pull myself together one day & write my letter of complaint regarding the local mental health center stopping my meds & kicking me out. Not to mention my experience when I overdosed on sleeping pills – the sleeping pills they prescribed my suicidal self. And it’s not their fault, but I will be including the fact that being uninsured – while disabled which makes no fucking sense – there were unable to find a bed for me even though everyone was in agreement I needed to be hospitalized, especially since I was unmedicated & no longer being seen by the MHC.
So, that’s where I am these days. Though I’ve been pretty good with my points & have been getting in some exercise. This mood was sneaky, & the fb games were numbing it & distracting me, but I also think part of it started when I gained again last week. I worked so hard & was so hopeful. I was really feeling a loss. I was pleased I didn’t feel like quiting, because just that sort of thing is why I’ve quit Weight Watchers twice in the past. But I didn’t workout till Sunday when I had to for the StickK.com contract, or I wouldn’t be able to get in all three days, & I was kinda bingey early in the week. I think while I didn’t feel like quitting, I had lost my motivation to really try. But I have gotten back to that & have done well, so I’m hopeful about tonight… again.
While I am not getting my hopes up about tonight I will say one thing – if I see another gain tonight, I swear I will throw the kind of tantrum six year olds will weep over with envy. I’m just saying.