“The reason one writes isn’t the fact he wants to say something. He writes because he has something to say.”
~F. Scott Fitzgerald~
First, let me just open by saying I hate noisy eaters. I disgusts me to have to listen to it. Whether it’s smacking, grunting, or those diners who ooh, ah, & moan over their food so much it’s no surprise when they need a cigarette after their meal, I can’t stand it. Okay, now that I’ve gotten that pet peeve off my chest, let’s move along. (But it really is gross & rude.)
Decided to go back to my original posting regimen & daily themes. I tried a looser posting style, & ended up not posting so much. So that makes today Mental Health Monday. Yay?
We had a big day today weather-wise & lost power for a few hours, so I’m getting around to this later than I had planned.
Last week was okay. Things started picking back up. I exercised, although I did skip my tennis class because I didn’t feel like getting up & putting on my public face, got a little (very little) done around the house. Even talked to a friend on the phone. After realizing how angry I was & talking about it in my previous post, I was able to let go of it somewhat & have been spending less time on few games on facebook. phew.
Yesterday was my birthday. Hurray. Birthdays have always tended towards disappointing for me. Not they’ve been bad, but… just somehow I always feel a little sad around them. Even as a kid. Maybe it was because I’m allergic to the icing used on the fancy birthday cakes most kids had. Not only could I not eat the cake without suffering for it (which I did), but I never got to have one for my birthday. I also never got to have a pool party, because hello winter, or a skating party – hello poor people. But most likely it was the hole in my heart.
I think I was born feeling empty. When I was a kid I was very into Jesus because I thought he was answer to the hole I had in my heart. Didn’t work. I’ve also spent years of my life trying to fill it with food. Tastier than Jesus, but way more fattening. Alas, it didn’t work either. When I was in about the first grade I remember telling someone that I couldn’t feel that my mother loved me, but I knew she did. What sort of thing is that for a six year old to say? to feel? No child should be aware of emptiness & only knowing someone loves you on an intellectual level. I wonder if those were early signs of Borderline Personality Disorder? At the very least I would say I was depressed as a child.
But as much as she loved me & did the best she could, my mother also hated me deep down & blamed me for things that happened in her life. I guess that’s what happens when your sperm donor might be the man who raped her. Guilt by association. My mother considered aborting me. I have spent 36 years wishing she had.
Learning the story of me from conception to babyhood brought a lot of things into perspective. There’s a best seller in my life story, I’m sure of it.
Well, I had intended to talk about watching Julie & Julia (I watched it on my birthday), but I got sidetracked & think I’m done for the night.
This week I want to continue exercising & got to tennis class tomorrow. One of my classmates is the volunteer coordinator for a cave nearby that’s a national park, & I’m going to talk to him tomorrow about volunteering for clean ups. I’m going to focus more on my to-do lists, & getting back on my housework schedule. I didn’t get it done today because of hiding from the weather situation & being electrically challenged. But I suppose today isn’t over yet. I’m going out of town this weekend to celebrate our birthdays with a friend who is just a few days younger than me. And I’ve decided to get back to editing my novel. I can’t work on it at home because of distractions, so one day a week I’m going to go for lunch where they’ll let me sit for a few hours & work quietly. I tried working on it at the library, but they won’t let me have a drink so it doesn’t work for me. I’ll be starting that this week. Oh, & our monthly NAMI meeting is Thursday, so I’ll be going to that & usually visit my mom’s twin sister that day (hard to do, but I enjoy it). Then I have Weight Watchers.
TTYL! (Note: I got sidetracked from writing & actually started cleaning the kitchen already. Now I have to go back & finish it… Also, I didn’t want to go back & read over this, so hope it was readable.)