I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.
~Billy Joel (Brainy Quotes)
Today I was pretty much useless. I didn’t go to sleep till after 6AM & then slept into the afternoon. I think my brain stayed in the bed though. I did not do, or hardly even consider doing, anything purposeful today. I put away some groceries I bought in the wee hours this morning when I went out for a new toothbrush & the strongest sinus medicine I could find. The sinus pills & some ibuprofen have helped a little, but I still feel like crap. I am so achy & tired. I think the weather is part of it, as the worse the weather has been the worse my head feels, especially my ears. If this doesn’t clear up, I’m going to have to break down & go to the doctor. Blah.
Tomorrow will be better. Until my weigh-in anyways>_< I has occurred to me to skip my WW meeting tomorrow, but I am committed to going. That’s one of my focuses for this year, to go to my meetings even if, especially when, I’ve gotten off track. Great way to motivate myself back on track.
It has also been a bit of an emotional day. But that’s pretty normal when I don’t feel well. I lack the wherewithal to keep fighting off my anxieties giving them a great foothold.Besides spending too much time reading about what’s going on in Wisconsin
(ugh, I just got sidetracked with nonsense for two hours.)
Oh, now I can’t remember where I was going with that point. I did spend a great deal of time following the #wiunion hashtag. It made me very sad & angry, & I cried a lot. But it also gave me a little hope. Some reading on all the cuts in mental illness funding did not make me feel hopeful. I would like to get stable & move forward with some suitable employment, but not sure how that’s going to happen if I can’t get help.
More personally, & on the topic of feeling rejected, I hid a long time friend of mine on Facebook tonight. I’ve thought about doing it before, but it seemed silly. Tonight I decided it was necessary for a bit.
She’s getting ready to go on vacation with another friend of ours. Why does this feel like rejection to me? Because last year, when they weren’t speaking, I was the one she wanted to go on vacation with her. But now, due to my gentle interventions, they are friends again.
The guy she is going with was my best friend for years. We grew up together. But over the years we’ve drifted apart, especially after I quit smoking pot. I’ve been trying to reconnect since I moved back, & we have had our moments, but apparently he’d rather drive an hour to get high with her than answer a call from me. We planned to go hiking on my birthday, but when I texted him that day he was on his way to visit someone else instead.
I guess with her, I’m a little hurt she didn’t invite me along. I feel like a filler, who was good enough to travel with when he wasn’t available but she doesn’t need me anymore. So tonight when she made a post about getting excited about her vacation, I just said fuck it & hid her posts. I’ll unhide her eventually, but I don’t want to see the pics & updates about them having a good time.
Not to mention, thinking about grants me vision of them sitting around talking about me & laughing because I’m not as much fun as he is, & she wishes he’d been around last year instead of me. I hate thinking people are talking about me & even more so that they are laughing at me. So I don’t want to think about it.
Oh well, fuck ’em. Next time they have a falling out, I’m not gonna be on the friendship bench waiting to called up. I do have friends who enjoy my company on a regular basis & are always happy to see me. I don’t need self-centered people who seem to constantly let me down.
But given my issues with paranoia & anxiety about people, I am never sure how much is legitimate & how much is drama of my own invention. My rational mind says it’s not a big deal & I shouldn’t feel the way I do. So what they enjoy each others company more than mine. Just because we used to be best friends, doesn’t mean we have to be now. I don’t know. I’m never sure if my feelings are valid or not.
Facing the holidays last year, I quized my dad about what he had told people about me & what I do, work-wise, etc. I think it made him uncomfortable that I don’t want him talking about me to people, even family, because I don’t like people talking about me. In fact, I’m uncomfortable with people even thinking about me. And I know when they are thinking things about me! & I know what people are thinking! One of the biggest aha moments of my life was the realization I can not actually read minds, but that the belief is part of my crazy. That belief is one of the reasons I started out to be a psychiatrist (before I found out they had to go to med school, & coming from factory & farm folk I wasn’t aware of the alternatives). I figured it would be a good use of my abilities. Now part of my anxiety about people is my lack of confidence in reading them. I’m like Deanna Troi when she lost her Betazoid abilities. Remember how she flipped out?
While I do believe I have had many valid issues, when I look back at all the jobs I’ve quit & the conflicts I have had, & all the people I have cut ties with for various reasons, I have to wonder how much of it is just my mind feeding me shit? Surely I can’t just be a magnet for that drama & puckey? It’s times like this I really miss having a therapist. I can’t wait till my Medicare starts in May. (I’m given three years before I have to be re-evaluated for my disability, but don’t get medical coverage for the first two years. Makes no fucking sense.)
Also, I’d like to thank Vaguely Crazy … (sigh, sidetracked again) … for telling me I inspired her to eat more healthfully & start exercising:~D & for joining the Run 5K in 100 Days program. We are so gonna do this! Yay!
Oh, & before I forget, finished day 3 of #7daychip.