“Time and time again I’m half stalled
One giant leap of faith is easy
When everyone you ask is so sure.”
~Snow Patrol “Grazed Knee” (Lyrics007)
Listening to Snow Patrol tonight to perk myself up & those lyrics to “Grazed Knee” just really spoke to me. Actually they always do, but tonight I decided they would be my post quote. Prior to looking the lyrics up, I always thought he said “half starved”, but half stalled works ever better for me right now!
Today was very up & down. It started off on the wrong foot since my alarm didn’t go off, so I didn’t wake up enough to get in an early run. Then I was having a relaxing day & actually getting a few things done around the house when something so ridiculously meaningless & stupid happened I can’t even believe it upset me so much, but all my good feelings just drained out of me. I went right to the feeling of being alone & unsupported.
No one gives a shit about me. Why do I even bother?
I’ve been struggling with my mood & dark feelings lately, & wondering why even bother living so it didn’t take much to push me over today. All I wanted to do was go back to bed (except I had the sheets in the washer & hate laying on a naked bed). So I moped around. I thought about skipping Weight Watchers, but I have worked so hard this week & never even had to touch my weekly points since I’m off sweets & have been earning so many activity points, I just had to go see how much my great efforts had paid off.
I didn’t want to go running either, but I knew if I dressed for running the park is across the street from the meeting & I’d go after. I just had to get out of the house.
So how richly was I rewarded this week for the work I have put in? I fucking lost 0.4lbs. Not even a half a pound. That sucks. Clearly it did nothing for my mood. But I stayed for the meeting & did go for my run after. That was W3D2 done.
And today makes day 12 sugar free for me. That’s something. But it was especially a struggle for me today given how I was feeling.
I also think my mood is down because it’s near the end of the month which means I’m broke. That always makes me feel down. Especially since this month the gym challenge fee & all the extra money I’ve had to spend on gas have sucked up any extra money I would have had. And my running shoes are wearing out & I can feel it in my ankle. I will have to take it easy, because it will be November at the earliest before I can replace them. But the good thing about it is I can’t buy the food I want to eat, so I usually lose more weight at the end of the month from not eating.
I’ve also been really down because I hate this place. I hate living with my dad. Sometimes I even hate him. I so fucking want to get as far from here as possible & never look back, but he has no way to support himself. There are no jobs for him here, his unemployment ran out, & he won’t move. But being nearly 61yo does not make you very attractive in the job market wherever you go. Especially when you have a a high school diploma & spent your whole life working the same factory that closed down like most everything else around here. Sometimes when I’m really frustrated I wish he would die too, so I could leave without feeling guilty.
But enough whining. Since I’m not seeing the weight loss I would like I decided to make a list of the positive changes I’ve noticed that don’t involve the scale.
- I am feeling better in general.
- I feel a change in my body.
- I can see a difference in my body. (2 & 3 make it that crazier I’m not losing more weight.)
- My complexion is improved.
- I actually have a goal I can work toward right now.
- I am getting faster & fitter.
- They tell me I will eventually have more energy. I’m pretty sure they are lying though. Clearly I do not have a normal human body.
- I haven’t killed anyone. yet.