Then the carousel started, and I watched her go round and round…All the kids tried to grap for the gold ring, and so was old Phoebe, and I was sort of afraid she’s fall off the goddam horse, but I didn’t say or do anything. The thing with kids is, if they want to grab for the gold ring, you have to let them do it, and not say anything. If they fall off, they fall off, but it is bad to say anything to them.
~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher In The Rye (GoodReads)
Round & round we go… (from FreePhoto.com)
Well, I went 5wks doing very well with my three habits. Predictably it ended with a manic melt down. It got to the point some friends came & took me home with them for a few days because I was out of my mind angry about everything.
I was able to settle down a bit getting away from here & from Daddy, & getting to be somewhere I actually have friends & things to do. Unfortunately I ran while I was there & their roads are cambered, so it messed with my ankle. I ran when I got back a couple of days, but it got so bad I didn’t even finish the second run. I haven’t run since then, & from that I lost any motivation to do anything.
The post mania depressive crash hit.
(Interestingly enough, I made it three weeks into the 100 push-ups challenge this time, which is also about when I quit last time. Maybe push-ups are depressing?)
I’m feeling bits better & trying to get back on track. It’s not as bad as it was, but I still haven’t gotten all three habits done in one day. I’m having the worst problem getting back into the exercise. I’ve tried doing things besides running, but any weight-bearing still kicks my ankle up. My annual physical comes back around next week, so I’m going to let the doctor look at my ankle & see what she says. Hopefully it won’t be anything much. There is a 5K in town in May & I am considering signing up. I really miss running.
I have my psych appointment next week as well, so we’ll see what changes she makes to my meds given what has happened since my last visit.
It is really hard to challenge myself & work towards larger goals when doing well sends me into a spiral, which leads to having to start over again. Thankfully this time wasn’t as bad as it has been in the past & I caught myself before I got too far gone. Still having to keep starting over is very disheartening & I think it gets harder to do every time it happens.
But having running helps keep me going because it has been a really long time, more than a decade, since I really enjoyed anything like this.