My Year To Thrive

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style." ~Maya Angelou

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Ups & Downs

Then the carousel started, and I watched her go round and round…All the kids tried to grap for the gold ring, and so was old Phoebe, and I was sort of afraid she’s fall off the goddam horse, but I didn’t say or do anything. The thing with kids is, if they want to grab for the gold ring, you have to let them do it, and not say anything. If they fall off, they fall off, but it is bad to say anything to them.
~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher In The Rye (GoodReads)


Round & round we go… (from

Well, I went 5wks doing very well with my three habits.  Predictably it ended with a manic melt down.  It got to the point some friends came & took me home with them for a few days because I was out of my mind angry about everything.

I was able to settle down a bit getting away from here & from Daddy, & getting to be somewhere I actually have friends & things to do.  Unfortunately I ran while I was there & their roads are cambered, so it messed with my ankle.  I ran when I got back a couple of days, but it got so bad I didn’t even finish the second run.  I haven’t run since then, & from that I lost any motivation to do anything.

The post mania depressive crash hit.

(Interestingly enough, I made it three weeks into the 100 push-ups challenge this time, which is also about when I quit last time.  Maybe push-ups are depressing?)

I’m feeling bits better & trying to get back on track.  It’s not as bad as it was, but I still haven’t gotten all three habits done in one day.  I’m having the worst problem getting back into the exercise.  I’ve tried doing things besides running, but any weight-bearing still kicks my ankle up.  My annual physical comes back around next week, so I’m going to let the doctor look at my ankle & see what she says.  Hopefully it won’t be anything much.  There is a 5K in town in May & I am considering signing up.  I really miss running.

I have my psych appointment next week as well, so we’ll see what changes she makes to my meds given what has happened since my last visit.

It is really hard to challenge myself & work towards larger goals when doing well sends me into a spiral, which leads to having to start over again.  Thankfully this time wasn’t as bad as it has been in the past & I caught myself before I got too far gone.  Still having to keep starting over is very disheartening & I think it gets harder to do every time it happens.

But having running helps keep me going because it has been a really long time, more than a decade, since I really enjoyed anything like this.


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Joss Stone “Security”

I wanted to share another song today.  This one makes me cry, because so much of it hits close to home.  Not to mention I’m still searching for my security…  Someday.  Someday.  Patience, young padawan.

A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody’s soul
And you were only human after all
So don’t hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wish that I could snap my fingers
Erase the past but no
You cannot rewind reality
Once the tape’s unrolled[Chorus:]
If your spirit’s broken and you can’t bear the pain
I will help you put the pieces back
A little more each day
And if your heart is locked and you can’t find the key
Lay your head upon my shoulder
I’ll set you free
I’ll be your security

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So Happy Being Me! Loving Angie Stone Today.

Angie Stone “So Happy Being Me”

Looking back on when I started
Had a lot of sun and a lot of rain
I had some joy and been broken hearted
But now that doesn’t mean a thing
I’m living for the joy and laughter
Longing for my befores and afters
All in all it’s been cool
And there’s nothing I wouldn’t do
I’m so happy being me

So happy being me
I’m regretting nothing about me
Too busy living life, giving love, Freely
So happy being me Continue reading

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For Many Girls, Slimming Down Doesn’t Help Self-Esteem: MedlinePlus

Weight loss doesn’t necessarily lead to a boost in obese teenage girls’ self-esteem, according to a new study.

Here’s something for the NO DUH! files.

Children being weighed

I’m just going to clean up my Facebook post on this, because it pretty much sums up my thinking on the issue.  My ire is mainly focused on one line:

‎”Why keep dieting and exercising if you are still going to see yourself as fat?”


1.  There are as many happy, confident fat people in the world as there are miserable, self loathing skinny people.  Why do we keep being fed the line if we lose weight we’ll love ourselves?  Tell that to the anorexics who are loving themselves to death.

2.  Why keep dieting & exercising?  Maybe because we should eat well & move more just because we love our bodies & not as a means to an end?   It seems like the only time we are encouraged to be healthy is when we are trying to be smaller (though, most of what they try to sell us to get there isn’t actually healthy).  Of course fat people just sit on their asses eating donuts & pizza all day, because we’re all a bunch of unhealthy slobs who don’t care about ourselves.  Of course skinny people can sit on their asses all day eating donuts & pizza, because everyone knows being skinny automatically means you’re healthy, so they don’t need to bother.  Shouldn’t nutrition & fitness matter for everyone all the time?

3.  Low self esteem is not some simple issue that is going to be fixed by dropping a few pounds.  I didn’t see mention of how much weight the girls lost, but if you have spent any amount of time being told how awful & disgusting your body is, & what a bad person you are for letting it get that way, those feelings are not going to disappear just because suddenly the world has decided your body finally meets inspection.  Not to mention for some people there is a WHY behind the fat that isn’t solved by a little diet & exercise.


I’m going to add a couple of comments from my fb post:

D: I love how the tone of the title is shocked. Like, the key to happiness is being skinny. What?! How can that be?! /sarcasm

Me: Yeah, it’s so much bullshit.  You’re measuring a young woman’s success & worth by her body.  How could that possibly lead to anything but the most wonderful sense of satisfaction with self?

And this concludes another edition of Facebook theater. *curtain*

For Many Girls, Slimming Down Doesn’t Help Self-Esteem: MedlinePlus.

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Good For A Laugh

I was gonna lose the weight last year.

Saw this on & wanted to share for amusements sake. ^_^  Who can’t relate to it?

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Letter to Vogue mom who put 7 yr old daughter on diet « Reel Girl

I’m sharing this from Margot Magowan’s blog because I think it is such a wonderfully written & very needed post.  I don’t have children, but I know girls & even used to be one, so I do have a little perspective on the issue.  Having worked in therapeutic foster care, I got to see some of the worst that these issues lead to.  But enough about me, here are the first few paragraphs & a link to the rest (which you should click btw).

Dear Dara-Lynn Weiss,

I know you have good intentions: you want to help and protect your daughter, Bea. You want to keep her healthy and safe. Moms are told, in the pages of Vogue, no less, in ads like this one from Elizabeth Arden, that an important way to be a good mother is to make sure that our daughters are “beautiful.”

And that’s not just some crazy notion. Being “beautiful” for a woman has come to mean being successful, powerful, or important; being “beautiful” in our culture means that you exist. If you are “beautiful,” there is the promise that things will happen in your life: you will have adventures, excitement, love, and admiration. If you are fat, you may as well be invisible, right? I get that. You want your daughter to be popular, you want her to have friends, you want to spare her unhappiness.

But here’s the problem. It’s all a big lie, because what’s really happening is that you’re setting Bea up for a lifetime of enduring a distorted relationship with food, you, her own body, success, competition, power, and love.

You write that as a child, you suffered through your own issues of food, eating, and weight. That you hated your body and spent an inordinate amount of time trying to change it. Even now, you write: “I have not ingested any food, looked at a restaurant menu, or been sick to the point of vomiting without silently launching a complicated mental algorithm about how it will affect my weight.”

It’s clear from your article that you have an eating disorder. You are still sick. In your NYC subculture, your behavior may even be “normal,” but it’s not healthy. You’re obsessed with food and weight. Your disease is contagious, and you’re passing it onto your daughter. The best way for you to help Bea is to stop focusing on her and start focusing on getting yourself better.

Read the rest on her blog: Letter to Vogue mom who put 7 yr old daughter on diet « Reel Girl.

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Consumer Updates > FDA Continues to Study BPA

Potential BPA


It stands for Bisphenol A. It is a chemical used in the production of plastics and resins, such as some water bottles and the coatings of some food cans. It is also used in some consumer goods, such as compact discs and thermal cash register tapes.  And it has generated controversy about its impact on human health and development.

Here is another trendy research topic.  A lot of health & fitness magazines warn against using water bottles with BPA.  Pretty much this article says the FDA has decided the current research doesn’t warrant the omgdeathBPA concerns, but better safe than sorry.

Consumer Updates > FDA Continues to Study BPA.