It is easy to fly into a passion – anybody can do that – but to be angry with the right person to the right extent & at the right time with the right object & in the right way – that is not easy, & it is not everyone who can do it.
~Aristotle (Think Exist)
Lumpy Space rage!
(This came from my hard drive, & all I know is it’s from tumblr, & of course Cartoon Network.)
This post has taken me a while to write. I found out on Friday of last week my pills need to be switched, & spent the weekend researching the issue, but all I found was nothing but a lot women asking the same questions with no answers except from other women with the same questions or some personal insights; very frustrating. I called my GP’s regular office on Monday, only to be told I had to come in for an appointment, my med change couldn’t be done over the phone – this was by the lady who answers the phone not a nurse, she wouldn’t let me even leave a message. Needless to say I was too pissed to write about it that day, plus I wanted to wait till I went to her other office the next day where I knew it would just be my doctor & a nurse. So I started writing this on Tuesday but couldn’t finish it because my brain quit working. I guess all my anger from Monday & anxiety on Tuesday tripped a switch because I slipped into no energy mode for a few days with random bouts of suddenly-I-can’t-keep-my-eyes-open super tiredness. But anyhoo, here it is, re-written to catch up to the later date. Sorry if I don’t get everything perfectly updated & it reads clunky.
I have mentioned I’ve been having some crazy manic mixed episode type of thing going on the last few weeks. I’ve had all sorts of moods & rapid cycling, but I can’t recall having ever experienced anything of this sort. Friday I had my psych appointment & I took my pills with me so she could record some new supplements (I got some more melatonin & want to try a niacin supplement) & the birth control pill I started taking about 6wks ago. The first month on the pill was mostly fine. I felt a little nauseous & a bit of normal feeling PMS moodiness, but I guess it really got into my system this month because things have been crazy.
I was already telling her how I have been feeling, so when she saw the pills her first reaction was “This is it.” I have been taking a triphasic pill where the hormone levels shift throughout the month. Apparently this is a big no-no for the Bipolar crowd, so she wanted me to switch to a monophasic that would keep the hormone levels steady. Simple enough. She wants me back in a month, I usually just go every 6-8wks depending on how things are going. What’s been going on must have been worse than I realized, because she was very concerned & sent me out the door promising I would call her if things got any worse & she would work me in sooner.
Friday I was too anxious so I put off making the call. You know I hate phone calls, even personal ones. But I did go running for the first time since the Monday before, so that was good. As I mentioned earlier I spent the weekend researching the issue to no avail. After the swift surety of my psych’s assertion it was the triphasic pills & those were a big no-no for bipolars I thought for sure I’d find something about the issue online, but alas it must be a secret the psychiatric community holds close to the vest.
I’ve also covered Monday, but because I can here is the message I sent to a friend when I got off the phone, with a few edits for privacy (& yeah there is some very coarse language used liberally throughout):
i call bullshit. i just saw the dr. less than 2mos ago & got her to give me bc pills. trust me, she did not put a lot of stock in which ones she prescribed me. the triphasics she gave me have caused my bipolar disorder to go off the chain, so i was told to have her switch me to a monophasic. i just called the office & the bitch at the front desk told me i would have to be seen again to make that change.
bull-fucking-shit. there is absolutely no fucking reason the dr can’t just pick something based on my records & call it in. drs do it all the fucking time. i know i’m not going back for another office visit for this.
and my angry mind has now reminded me that this same idiot is the reason i am still paying on a $99 visit charge to the dr because she is the dumbass who insisted to me, multiple times, to get my initial physical i would have to come in to their walk-in office, so i went & sat there all day waiting to be walked in & when i got back there the dr informed me they only do physicals at their regular office & they are by appt only. so she checked out my sinus infection & since i hadn’t met my deductible yet i get a full price bill. on a visit that should have been free but this bitch doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
i think i’ll wait & go to the office tomorrow when dr. a*** will be there & talk to somebody. i truly 100% believe this is bullshit. and if she won’t change my pill w/o an unnecessary office visit i will cancel my scheduled f-u & find a gynecologist, which i should have just done in the first place but that would mean going out of town & finding a new person to jab their hand up my privates & i don’t even know if there is a woman ob/gyn here, & that is a deal breaker for me.
man, i’ve been psyching myself up to have a good day & even woke up a little early & now she’s got me mad. i had hoped getting my phone calls over early would be freeing. -_- stupid cunt.
So I had to be all grown up Tuesday & it was awful. The “confrontation” went well, very non-dramatic, but it still put my anxiety through the roof & frankly 14hrs later I was still talking to myself, blowing it up as I rehashed it, & feeling this overwhelming sense of guilt. I felt like I was a tattle-tale & got the phone lady in trouble, plus I didn’t know her name & just called her “the really big lady with the little black hair” when I was asked which of the ladies who answers the phone it was, & I felt like I was hurting my doctor’s feelings by saying I need my pill changed, especially since she didn’t want me on them in the first place, but I insisted. I even took one of my anxiety pills after & ate something I’m not going to admit to. Y’all don’t need to know everything. And I took a nap. I absolutely hate confrontation, even when it’s not so much a confrontation as just making a request & relating an issue. Despite my mania’s desire to burst in guns a blazing & burn the place down figuratively if not literally, I handled myself very quietly & politely. Which is good, because when I was rehearsing it in the shower the night before my scenarios kept ending with me either being arrested or at the very least removed as a patient (which has happened to me before. oops).
Not all doctors & their staff are equipped to deal with the mentally ill patient, especially one who is currently manic or mixed or wtf ever. As a Medical Social Worker I had to deal with patients in a variety of states, so I know it isn’t always easy & takes a level of comfort, I guess that’s the best word I can think of, with mental illness. Sometimes people can be scary, especially when they need something you can’t give them. Unfortunately for my more manipulative clients, I had a lifetime of experience dealing with people like them so I wasn’t easy to get around. Unless of course you called my Director to complain, because he was a weak-willed ninny who would give them whatever they wanted to just to shut them up – & thus reinforcing the cycle I was trying to break. But I digress, as usual.
But eezy peezy, my doctor called in a monophasic & I got it a few days ago. I was almost to the blanks on this month’s so I finished those out & I’ll start the new pack Friday. I know all the crazy was in my head & no one got their feelings hurt, except maybe the phone lady if she’s sensitive. I’ve been feeling better the last few days anyway, so maybe things will pick up. I certainly hope I don’t have any problems with these pills because I honestly don’t think I can go through that again. I’d probably just quit taking them. All I want is to be normal & shed my uterine lining like all the other big girls. Is that so much to ask???
So there you have it. To review:
- I went crazy.
- Google was disappointing.
- I got pissed off.
- I went running.
- I dealt with my problem like an adult.
- I felt endlessly guilty & anxious about it, took a pill & ate what amounted to a jar of sugar.
- I got more pills.
- I continue to hope for the best.
- Oh, & then I went running again but that’s another post because it made me cry.