My Year To Thrive

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style." ~Maya Angelou

Friends With Chronic Problems


People don’t want their lives fixed.  Nobody wants their problems solved.  Their dramas.  Their distractions.  Their stories resolved.  Their messed cleaned up.  Because what would they have left?  Just the big scary unknown.
~Chuck Palahniuk (Brainy Quotes)

Words cannot express how much I don't care.

I’m catching up on the back podcasts of the Mental Health Happy Hour & heard something that got me to thinking.  It’s the Danielle Koenig interview.  I don’t remember what they were talking about, because these words jumped out at me & that’s all I remember from that part of their conversation.

“It’s abusive to keep dumping on your friends when you won’t get help.”

I’ve been turning that idea of in my mind & trying to decide how I feel about it.  A part of me agrees with it, but then a part of me knows what it feels like to be stuck in a problem rut either not knowing what to do or being afraid of what I need to do, or (like now) not being a position to change what is wrong.  It’s good to have friends who will listen to you endlessly & encourage you to lift yourself up.

Some people do seem to make a lifestyle out of having problems though.  They never want to fix anything because they seem to enjoy the attention they get from being sick or put upon or whatever, or they act like they want to fix it but constantly come with excuses why they can’t.  I also think there’s an element of control to it, as well as not having to take responsibility for their lives & actions.  They never take care of themselves or do anything to improve their lot, & every time you talk to them the conversation revolves around what’s wrong with them.  And we can’t forget if you have any problems, their problems are worse.  I grew up with family members like that, & those people really try my patience.  For my own sanity, I try to distance myself from people like that.

I often find myself wanting to shake them & tell them to either do something about their problems or shut up.  What keeps me from doing that is the memory of having someone say that to me.  I have had recurrent suicidal thoughts since I was in high school, & it never goes away regardless of meds or therapy or how good my life is.  That is what has led to both my hospitalizations & my residential treatment program (which I ended up in because I refused to be hospitalized again).

I was talking to a friend about feeling suicidal one day, & he told me “Either do it or shut up about it.”  This was someone I had been friends with for more than a decade.  Needless to say we are no longer friends.  It wasn’t an immediate end, but I definitely knew I couldn’t talk to him about how I was feeling anymore.  That was very hurtful, especially since he basically told me to kill myself.  What a jackass.

So that’s what I’m thinking about now, & would love to hear some other opinions about dealing with people stuck in a problem rut.


In other news, I’m still trying to shake off my mood from last week, but I’m going to start working on my 4mi goal today regardless.  Getting back out there will be the surest way to work through the lingering emotions.  I can only lay in bed for so long before I start feeling like a lumpy turd.


Author: despitemyself

A person in flux.

7 thoughts on “Friends With Chronic Problems

  1. I’ve been on both ends of this spectrum – you know that.

    For me, especially more lately, I have been feeling even more put about and strained with each new thing that goes wrong. Yes, there are a million things that I could do to better my situation, but when I’m struggling with the mental stuff, everything else just goes out the window.

    I need a magic wand. Or a magic chainsaw. Something.

    • And as much of a drama queen as I can be, I’d give up my internet fame and fortune (all three cents of it) to have a pain-free, brain happy day.

    • Yeah, it stinks you were finally getting something going & then had to move again. Hopefully you can get going on that again soon.

    • Is there not an indigent clinic near you? Seems like a big enough town you’d have something for low income/no income uninsured people.

      • Though, having said that now that I think about it, other than the MHC I don’t know where you’d go here. The health clinic here that used an income contingent fee scale is closing & I don’t know of another one around. And for mental health, the MHC is the only game in town & I recently found out if you don’t already have a diagnosis they won’t see you. So how do you get a diagnosis if the MHC won’t see you & there isn’t anywhere else to go? Being poor fucking sucks. It’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t all the way around. Can’t afford to be sick, can’t afford to get better, & nobody really gives a shit either way.

  2. I can’t believe there aren’t any comments. As for me, sorry for the lateness but I haven’t had time to sit down and properly read anything longer than a postage stamp.

    Definitely dump the jackass. If he cares that little he’s not worth having around. As for me, I like to listen and I like to be a sounding board, and sometimes I need that from my friends too. I try not to get stuck in a perpetual loop of depression but it happens sometimes and all you can do is get through it.

    I do recognize that some people do seem to be addicted to drama and would rather whine than act. I try to have sympathy but I have to confess I don’t always. I try not to snap at them, but I do once in a while then feel bad for it. Other times, when I know they are really not interested in getting help or doing something positive or trying to grow past it, I don’t feel so bad. I have various family members that fit into each category.

    Still, in the end, I want to be there for people, and hope that they will be there for me too. You’re one of my people.

    • Thanks, that means a lot to me ❤ I hope you know if you ever need an ear, I've got two! Of course you have your loving hubs, so you prob don't need any spare ears:)

      That's pretty much how I feel. Sometimes it seems like someone is stuck in a loop of self pity & isn't willing to put the work in to move forward & I do just want to shake them, but I try to be compassionate & remember when that was me. Change is scary, especially when you're in a spot where you feel powerless.

      Then of course, yeah, there are those ppl for whom it is a lifestyle & all they want is to whine & get attention. Those ppl I have no patience with.

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