Where’s the girl I knew that held
A lighter up to the radio,
She’d do anything she wants
Because she can?
~Christian Kane, “Let’s Take A Drive” (House Rules) (Lyrics Gather)
I’ve been listening to Christian Kane’s “Let’s Take A Drive” lately & doing a lot of thinking & feeling. Talking to a friend last night I told her I needed to quit listening to that song because it gives me “all the feels” & makes me think too much. However, as much as it makes me sad, it’s also motivating.
Okay, sadness because I don’t have those sorts of memories from high school. I was too busy being smart & playing it safe. (Also being oblivious to the fact the boys were actually interested in me. I blame Jacob because when I was 12yo I asked him to be my boyfriend & he laughed at me. Scarred me for life. After that I thought every guy who asked me out was doing it to make fun of me & eventually they quit asking me out.) Thankfully I blossomed in college when I got away from this place. I started out at a local CC (despite getting uni scholarships – again, I was afraid), but still it was out of town & I got to meet a lot of new people who were so much more like me than anyone I’d ever known. Those people are still my dearest friends however far apart we get in time & distance. Of course I also got into drinking, smoking pot, & doing a variety of drugs. That made for some pretty great years because I was free of anxiety & worry, & I just had a lot of fun. I’m like the worst person ever for an anti-drug message. I loved doing drugs!
Still, I have spent so much of my life being led around by fear & anxiety, not doing what I really want because I am so convinced I’ll fail & it’ll be awful, I don’t even bother trying. I’m tired of it. I don’t want to look back on another year of my life & wonder where the time went, wonder what I’ve done with my life, looking for what I have to show for my time & finding nothing.
What do I want to do? What are the things I’m most afraid of? Here are the ones I think the most about:
- I want to write. I want to find a literary agent & get my novel published. I want to actually finish some of my short stories & send them out to see who will bite. I would love, Love, LOVE to see my novel animated. ^_^
- I would like to do voice work. I’ve been thinking about this one a lot working on my novel & thinking about seeing it animated. I ❤ animation & think doing voices would be so much fun!
- I want to sing. I have always loved to sing & used to sing all the time when I was a kid. I even took voice lessons in college. I used to sing with some friends in back in my church days & I sang in a couple of pageants I did. The last one was for charity & I sang Janis Joplin’s “Mercedes Benz“. People were clapping & singing along. It was a lot of fun. I want to learn the guitar to accompany myself, but I have never quite gotten the hang of it.
- I want to do stand-up. People have always told me I’m the funniest person they know & I should do comedy. Why not? (Besides you know, all those people watching me & expecting me to be funny or fall on my face.)
- I want to get my PhD. But in what? Fear of choosing the wrong thing again & fear of the application process & rejections play big roles here.
- I want to fall in love. I haven’t even had a date in so long I’m ashamed to say. I’ve been in love before, had adult relationships, but after the last one I mourned for a while, then moved & started a new job. That new job consumed me & all I did was work. I ended up burned out, depressed, & delusional, & that pretty much brings us up to date. I still feel like I don’t have anything to offer another person & anyone I let close enough to see the real me would just leave anyway, because who wouldn’t want to be stuck with this? I don’t know. I really want to meet someone, but I don’t know how. I don’t go to church or work. There isn’t anything social around here besides bars, & the next guy who slides up to tell me he likes my ass, my boobs, or any part of my body is going to get a good talking to about respect for women. Yeah, I’m not really cut out for the bar scene. I just don’t know how to meet people & engage with them.
- Move to Portland. Exciting, but also scary. I’m afraid it won’t work out, & I am not crawling back to this town with my tail between my legs. If it comes to that again, I really will just kill myself & be done with it. This place is a death sentence anyway & I can never, NEVER be happy living here. Never was & never will be. This is a boring little piss ant town meant for people who don’t dream.
So that is the current list of the big things that scare me. The things I want in my life, or to at least know I tried, but am afraid I’m not good enough. What to do, I don’t know. I definitely need more/better therapy than I’m getting now. Support would go a long way, but nobody here gets it. They don’t understand why anyone doesn’t just want a husband, some kids, a trailer by your momma’s house, & a job in a factory. That’s life around here. I want to slit my wrists just thinking about it. So, I definitely don’t have support from anyone in my real life. I have supportive friends online, but it’s just not the same as having someone to go places & meet people with. Everything I do, I do alone & that makes it so much harder.
I guess the main thing I need to do is get comfortable with failing. Everybody does it. They get up, learn from it, & move on (or get stuck in it). I don’t fear failing in running. I have good days & bad days, & sometimes I don’t run for a while. I’m slow & I’ll probably never win a race, but I still enjoy running & I do it anyways.
Running is the one thing in my life that doesn’t scare me. I feel strong when I run, hopeful. I don’t doubt I can reach the goals I can set for myself. I’m not competing with anyone but myself & there is no one to judge me. Sure, some people may silently judge that I’m too fat or too slow to be a real runner, but they don’t affect me. Their doubts about me don’t keep me from running anyway. If only more things in life were so simple though.
I have a lot to learn & a lot of changes to make, but however slowly I’m getting there.