My Year To Thrive

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style." ~Maya Angelou

A Girl I Used To Know; A Life Led By Fear

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Where’s the girl I knew that held
A lighter up to the radio,
She’d do anything she wants
Because she can?
~Christian Kane, “Let’s Take A Drive” (House Rules) 
(Lyrics Gather)

A woman with butterflies flying out of her hair, & the text "When life gives you something that makes you feel afraid, that's when life gives you a chance to be brave." -Lupytha Hermin(My Favorite Run)

I’ve been listening to Christian Kane’s “Let’s Take A Drive” lately & doing a lot of thinking & feeling.  Talking to a friend last night I told her I needed to quit listening to that song because it gives me “all the feels” & makes me think too much.  However, as much as it makes me sad, it’s also motivating.

Okay, sadness because I don’t have those sorts of memories from high school.  I was too busy being smart & playing it safe.  (Also being oblivious to the fact the boys were actually interested in me.  I blame Jacob because when I was 12yo I asked him to be my boyfriend & he laughed at me.  Scarred me for life.  After that I thought every guy who asked me out was doing it to make fun of me & eventually they quit asking me out.)  Thankfully I blossomed in college when I got away from this place.  I started out at a local CC (despite getting uni scholarships – again, I was afraid), but still it was out of town & I got to meet a lot of new people who were so much more like me than anyone I’d ever known.  Those people are still my dearest friends however far apart we get in time & distance.  Of course I also got into drinking, smoking pot, & doing a variety of drugs.  That made for some pretty great years because I was free of anxiety & worry, & I just had a lot of fun.  I’m like the worst person ever for an anti-drug message.  I loved doing drugs!

Still, I have spent so much of my life being led around by fear & anxiety, not doing what I really want because I am so convinced I’ll fail & it’ll be awful, I don’t even bother trying.  I’m tired of it.  I don’t want to look back on another year of my life & wonder where the time went, wonder what I’ve done with my life, looking for what I have to show for my time & finding nothing.

What do I want to do?  What are the things I’m most afraid of?  Here are the ones I think the most about:

  • I want to write.  I want to find a literary agent & get my novel published.  I want to actually finish some of my short stories & send them out to see who will bite.  I would love, Love, LOVE to see my novel animated. ^_^
  • I would like to do voice work.  I’ve been thinking about this one a lot working on my novel & thinking about seeing it animated.  I ❤ animation & think doing voices would be so much fun!
  • I want to sing.  I have always loved to sing & used to sing all the time when I was a kid.  I even took voice lessons in college.  I used to sing with some friends in back in my church days & I sang in a couple of pageants I did.  The last one was for charity & I sang Janis Joplin’s “Mercedes Benz“.  People were clapping & singing along.  It was a lot of fun.  I want to learn the guitar to accompany myself, but I have never quite gotten the hang of it.
  • I want to do stand-up.  People have always told me I’m the funniest person they know & I should do comedy.  Why not?  (Besides you know, all those people watching me & expecting me to be funny or fall on my face.)
  • I want to get my PhD.  But in what?  Fear of choosing the wrong thing again & fear of the application process & rejections play big roles here.
  • I want to fall in love.  I haven’t even had a date in so long I’m ashamed to say.  I’ve been in love before, had adult relationships, but after the last one I mourned for a while, then moved & started a new job.  That new job consumed me & all I did was work.  I ended up burned out, depressed, & delusional, & that pretty much brings us up to date.  I still feel like I don’t have anything to offer another person & anyone I let close enough to see the real me would just leave anyway, because who wouldn’t want to be stuck with this?  I don’t know.  I really want to meet someone, but I don’t know how.  I don’t go to church or work.  There isn’t anything social around here besides bars, & the next guy who slides up to tell me he likes my ass, my boobs, or any part of my body is going to get a good talking to about respect for women.  Yeah, I’m not really cut out for the bar scene.  I just don’t know how to meet people & engage with them.
  • Move to Portland.  Exciting, but also scary.  I’m afraid it won’t work out, & I am not crawling back to this town with my tail between my legs.  If it comes to that again, I really will just kill myself & be done with it.  This place is a death sentence anyway & I can never, NEVER be happy living here.  Never was & never will be.  This is a boring little piss ant town meant for people who don’t dream.

So that is the current list of the big things that scare me.  The things I want in my life, or to at least know I tried, but am afraid I’m not good enough.  What to do, I don’t know.  I definitely need more/better therapy than I’m getting now.  Support would go a long way, but nobody here gets it.  They don’t understand why anyone doesn’t just want a husband, some kids, a trailer by your momma’s house, & a job in a factory.  That’s life around here.  I want to slit my wrists just thinking about it.  So, I definitely don’t have support from anyone in my real life.  I have supportive friends online, but it’s just not the same as having someone to go places & meet people with.  Everything I do, I do alone & that makes it so much harder.

I guess the main thing I need to do is get comfortable with failing.  Everybody does it.  They get up, learn from it, & move on (or get stuck in it).  I don’t fear failing in running.  I have good days & bad days, & sometimes I don’t run for a while.  I’m slow & I’ll probably never win a race, but I still enjoy running & I do it anyways.

Running is the one thing in my life that doesn’t scare me.  I feel strong when I run, hopeful.  I don’t doubt I can reach the goals I can set for myself.  I’m not competing with anyone but myself & there is no one to judge me.  Sure, some people may silently judge that I’m too fat or too slow to be a real runner, but they don’t affect me.  Their doubts about me don’t keep me from running anyway.  If only more things in life were so simple though.

I have a lot to learn & a lot of changes to make, but however slowly I’m getting there.

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Author: despitemyself

A person in flux.

6 thoughts on “A Girl I Used To Know; A Life Led By Fear

  1. Pingback: A Day Late: 2012 In Review « My Year To Thrive

  2. I wish you were moving here instead. I feel so much kinship with you even though we’ve never met. I would so love to have a friend like you to do things like that with. Larry would be jealous but sometimes you really really need girl time. I never had many female friends growing up and now I really value any I have now. I can’t run with you but I could maybe ride my bike with you. As long as it isn’t uphill. I want to get back to my guitar and I LOVE to sing, even if I’m not that great at it. Why is it the coolest people I’ve never met are all hundreds or thousands of miles away!

    If you ever get to the point where you feel like you have nowhere to go, promise me you will come here instead. Please?

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