My Year To Thrive

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style." ~Maya Angelou

Running Is My Crack

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“Find the crack…In the darkness, there’s always a crack. It’s how the light gets in.”
~Fringe “Northwest Passage

A cat in a tiger costume lounging in a glass with his feet pointed at the camera, text reads "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me some catnip treats".

My nod to the holiday.
Happy Halloween/Samhain/whatever!

(from C.A.A. on fb, click image for link)

I guess that should say “Hope you had a happy Halloween…”  I’ve been trying to write this post all day, but I kept doing stuff like mopping, cleaning, taking out the garbage, etc.  Where are my priorities??  But seriously, I am glad to be feeling a bit more motivated & energetic these days.  Sad I haven’t been able to run this week, but I get my new shoes Saturday.  Hurray!

This post has been sitting in my drafts for a while, & as you might guess from the quotes I was Fringe bingeing before this final season started.  I loved that line & it reminded me of something I mentioned in a post over the summer but never followed up on.  I mentioned I had started crying while I was running, but what was I crying about?

Happiness.

I was out running & suddenly wanted to dance.  I saw myself dancing in the road.  I saw myself going out dancing when I move to Portland.  And I cried because I realized I felt happy.  For the first time in a decade I felt genuinely, hopefully, enduringly happy.  Over the years I’ve had moments of being happy, but never anything that stuck, that felt real.  I used to love to dance.  I went dancing every weekend, I danced at home, I took dance lessons, & I even danced in the grocery store much to my roommate’s embarrassment   Years of living with Depression had taken that away from me; Depression is the thief of happiness.

Running was the first thing in years to make me happy (at least that was good for me – lets not talk about candy & gaming).  It was the crack that let in the light.  I had been getting back into treatment, but it takes time for those changes to take place, not to mention I was at a really shitty place in my life which always makes it harder.  I started running in spurts as I walked & that lasted a couple of months.  It was a while before I got going again, but as I have mentioned before another thing running did for me was give me something I didn’t quit.  I did get back out there & that lasted a little longer.  It’s been a few years now of running on & off, but I hung in there & this year I have only had a few relatively short breaks.  The more I run, the better I feel.  The better I feel, the more I run.

Running, along with the meds & what therapy I’m able to get, have led to fewer & shorter depressive episodes this year.  For that I am very grateful.  I don’t think I would be anywhere near where I am at now if it wasn’t for running.  I’ve been in therapy & I’ve been on meds, but I have never felt this good about my life & myself (excluding undergrad which was awesome & usually high.  This depression really set in when I went to grad school.)

Sometimes I feel kind of like a crack dealer when I talk to people about running.  I evangelize it & even cried talking about running in group therapy a few months ago.  It was great to be thanked this month by one of the other women who started walking because of me. I also have a friend who wants me to help her get started running.

I wish I could bottle what running does for me & give it to people, but everybody has to find their own happiness.  It isn’t always easy & it won’t always come from where you think (I never thought I would enjoy running), but if you put in the effort you can find your light.

What’s your crack?

Text: Depression isn't just some little thing.  It takes over your mind.  It changes you into things you never thought you'd be.  Or into things you've never wanted to be.  It eventually influences everything you do, every word you say, and every thought you think.  It breaks you.  It knows our weaknesses and it hurts you horrible ways.  It pushes you over the edge into an abyss of terrible thoughts.  But it's just some thing freaky emo kids get, right?

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Author: despitemyself

A person in flux.

2 thoughts on “Running Is My Crack

  1. This post made me so happy! I’m so glad that you have this and that it’s giving you light! We all need that! I should try walking. I can’t run, but I probably could walk. I have a bike but I haven’t used it much. I have no stamina. Now that it’s cooler I think I could handle walking a little bit. I also need to pick up my guitar and PRACTICE!

    I heart you.

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