I am not well. I am broken inside. I am broken almost all-the-way deep, and I don’t know…I don’t know if I can ever be unbroken, let alone well again”.
~Carrie Jones, Entice (Goodreads)
I began writing this post Friday night & finished it last night, so it follows my thought patterns from emotionally overwrought & hopeless to the rational mind that understands what happened in hindsight. For those who might be triggered (I’m trying to be more sensitive & aware of triggers!) I discuss issues with emotional abuse by my mother, emotional issues around men & dating, & suicidal thoughts (mentions, nothing detailed).
I made the mistake of hoping again. I thought maybe this time would be different. But it wasn’t. I haven’t dated in ten years. Not sure if I’ve mentioned that, but I haven’t dated since my ex left. There’s a story behind it I’ve just started processing since deciding to date again, but I won’t get into that now. Suffice it to say, I have decided I’ve wasted enough years of my life on him & it’s time to move on. Unfortunately, all I want is a guy who will be nice to me & it seems like none of those guys are interested in me. I feel like I only have value to men who can fuck me & when they don’t get that they lose interest. What is so wrong with me a man can see any other use for me? I keep hearing my mother’s words in my head: Continue reading