Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!
~Bob Marley (Brainy Quotes)
After coming out of a years long bout of Depression, I look back on all the years wasted behind me & all I want to do is live. I want everything all at once, & it’s killing me I can’t have it.
People keep telling me to be patient & I am losing my patience with them. There are time-sensitive things I wanted to do, like have a baby, & I’m watching my time slip by me while I can’t even date anyone seriously because I’m not staying here. I’m trying to get out & meet men to at least have some male companionship (winkwinknudgenudge), but it’s so hard when you’ve spent the three years since you had to move home isolated & feeling like a worthless failure. I’m starting from scratch. Being an atheist in the bible belt isn’t helping matters any.
I have decided the best analogy for what I’m feeling is when you fall asleep having to pee. You get comfy in bed then realize you have to pee, but it’s not so bad so you ignore it; you’ll go in the morning. All night you’re asleep so you aren’t even aware you have to pee anymore, because your body is disconnected from those feelings. Then when you wake up you become acutely aware of just how long you’ve had to pee & all you can think about is going to the bathroom. I have woken up from a years long sleep & now I am acutely aware of all these things I haven’t done or felt in all those years. And to make it worse, I can’t get up yet because I’m still shackled to the bed.
It’s very frustrating. I look at my life & I’m almost 38yo, but I have nothing to show for it. I still have my degrees, but I lost my career to Depression. I have no relationship, no children, no home. I only have a car that runs now because my brother fixed up a used car for me & let me wait to pay him for it until after my dad’s Social Security started (which was last week, hurray!).
I know I’m blessed to have the support I do, because so many people don’t have that, but still…
I just want to live again.