I am not well. I am broken inside. I am broken almost all-the-way deep, and I don’t know…I don’t know if I can ever be unbroken, let alone well again”.
~Carrie Jones, Entice (Goodreads)
I began writing this post Friday night & finished it last night, so it follows my thought patterns from emotionally overwrought & hopeless to the rational mind that understands what happened in hindsight. For those who might be triggered (I’m trying to be more sensitive & aware of triggers!) I discuss issues with emotional abuse by my mother, emotional issues around men & dating, & suicidal thoughts (mentions, nothing detailed).
I made the mistake of hoping again. I thought maybe this time would be different. But it wasn’t. I haven’t dated in ten years. Not sure if I’ve mentioned that, but I haven’t dated since my ex left. There’s a story behind it I’ve just started processing since deciding to date again, but I won’t get into that now. Suffice it to say, I have decided I’ve wasted enough years of my life on him & it’s time to move on. Unfortunately, all I want is a guy who will be nice to me & it seems like none of those guys are interested in me. I feel like I only have value to men who can fuck me & when they don’t get that they lose interest. What is so wrong with me a man can see any other use for me? I keep hearing my mother’s words in my head:
You’re ugly. You’re lazy. You’re stupid. You’re worthless. No one could ever love you. I wish you would die.
When you raise a child putting that into their head every day, it never goes away. It is a mark on their soul, a voice in their head, an ache in their heart that never goes away. It is a wound that can’t be healed. And life is nothing more than proof everything they were told is right.
It all feels so true. How could anyone ever love someone like me? Why would anyone decent even want someone like me? Every time I let myself have any hope, it’s crushed & every time I’m left feeling worse than before. I feel like it’s not even worth living anymore if this is all I have to look forward to. I feel so hopeless & miserable. I give up. I just can’t keep trying when all it does is leave me feeling more empty & alone than before. Yet again I find myself sitting here thinking about how much easier it would be if I could just die & get it over with. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of feeling weird & abnormal. I’m tired of feeling like anyone of substance would never be interested in me.
I had a major meltdown Friday, like I have not had in quite some time. I was at a friend’s birthday party when I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being unlovable, unable to ever be happy, so broken I can ever be fixed.
I had recently been introduced a guy who works with a friend of mine, & we had swapped a few texts. I had sent him a couple of texts the day before & not heard back, so Friday night my mind just went down the rabbit hole. Being ignored, not even given the courtesy of any reply, put me back as that little girl whose mother was telling her she is ugly, lazy, worthless, unlovable. As irrational as I knew it was, my brain was on autopilot.
I started crying & all I wanted to do was be alone. I left to go home, but my friend followed me out wanting to know why I was leaving. All I could tell her was I was irreparably broken & no one could ever love me, & I would rather die than have to spend my life alone. I left not knowing what I was going to do, but I spent the next two days in bed fighting with myself about wanting to kill myself. I considered going back to the hospital, but did not want to go back there so soon. Worst. Psych hospital. Ever. I pretty much stayed in bed from Friday night to Monday.
It’s hard feeling those things, knowing it’s irrational, & not being able to stop it. I did some research & read up on emotional dysregulation & emotional hyperreactivity. I was really feeling the hyperreactivity that night. My feelings were based on something real, but they were way out of proportion to the situation. OMG A BOY DIDN’T TEXT ME BACK BY THE NEXT DAY! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD!! I have never been that strung out about a guy in my life, & especially not now for some flibbertigibbet who was way too young for me anyway.
On top of that, I hadn’t slept well the night before, had spent the day running errands with a friend which had me tired out, & now I was at a surprise party surrounded by happy people & goings-on. Plus, my dinner was cake & ice cream, so I don’t think all that sugar on an empty stomach helped any. It was a very long day on top of the guy stuff on top of the “othered” feeling I get at busy, happy events like parties. All of the people & activity seems to trigger my depersonalization/derealization. It makes me feel like something that exists outside humanity. Something that will never feel that happiness & connectedness the people around me seem to be feeling. I will never be able to just take happiness for granted.
I hate that I ruined my friend’s birthday, but some things can’t be helped. I have problems with emotional regulation. I can be going along fine & then WHOOM! something comes over me – feelings, memories, hopelessness. It hits the hardest during happy times. I don’t know how to be happy, not really happy. I live with the constant fear of the other shoe dropping, so happiness is a double-edged sword. Growing up, we could only be happy when our mother was happy. When she was miserable, everyone had to be miserable so being happy was a punishable offense. I always feel fake when I’m happy, like it’s not the real me. It isn’t my natural state. I second guess everything. I don’t just look a gift horse in the mouth, I bring a laryngoscope & ask it to open up & say “ah”.
It is hard for me to put myself out there to meet new people. It’s not just about risking rejection, it’s that perceived rejection can take me back to feeling worthless & unlovable, & lead to catastrophizing & suicidal thoughts. Emotional dysregulation, or emotional hyperreactivity, makes everything so much more fun because my brain just spins out of control with this stuff.
This was odd to write starting it in an irrationally emotional place, & then finishing it when I felt rational & had pretty much moved passed the event. But there it is! I did still think it was worth finishing & putting out here. I’m sure a lot of people can identify with these feelings, with or without mental health issues. Who hasn’t freaked out about something they were embarrassed about later?
I would love to hear from people with similar experiences!