And lastly, know that this struggle makes you special. It might not be a struggle you’d have chosen for yourself, but it’s one that can make you stronger in the end, and more sensitive and compassionate and empathetic to others. It’s one that will help you help others. And there’s something unique about the people who see the world from the bottom of the hole. We have different eyes when we come up and different ways to seize those moments of joy that we know are so important and rare. And that’s a gift. A terrible and wonderful one. You aren’t alone. You are wanted. You are good. And you will get through this. I promise. And when you doubt your worth, imagine your younger sister or your best friend or your child having these same doubts and realize that that same sense of angry disbelief that the world would ever be better without them is the exact same disbelief that your friends and family would feel if they lost you. You are as special and irreplaceable as the people you love most. Your differentness makes you unique. I makes you who you are. It makes you part of our tribe. It makes you flat on your back one day, and it makes you dress like a circus performer the next. It makes you grab hold of life when it comes back around. It makes you crazy. But that’s not always bad.
A friend posted this from The Bloggess & it suited how I’ve been feeling so well I decided to share it. She talks about Depression & lists some things she does to help when she is “in the hole”. Maybe it will be useful to one of you.
(Click through for an update on what’s going on with me.)
I have been in a funk lately. The bar the boyfriend manages has extended its hours to 11am–3am, later if people are still there spending money. This means he is working all day every day & is only home to sleep. This has left me feeling alone & disconnected. It doesn’t help that Thursday was our one year anniversary, & he was gone all day; next Thursday is Valentine’s Day & he will be at work all day; then a couple of weeks after that is my birthday & he will be gone all that day too. And since he will also be working all the other days too, there’s no chance we’ll be doing something on another day. We will do nothing. Eventually he hopes to be able to hire someone else so he can have off days, but there is no telling when he will be able to do that.
He was told up front I am a needy person. I need to feel special & important; I need lots of attention. At this point I am getting none of that. I am coming in second place to the bar & I’m not happy about it. That is causing me to act out in ways that exacerbate the disconnection. I always knew I didn’t want to be with a workaholic, because I don’t see the point in a relationship where you don’t spend time together. I miss when he had a regular office job. When he came home he would cook dinner & then we had the whole evening to watch tv, play games, & cuddle on the couch. Now we don’t do any of that. I feel like I am at a place where I have to make a decision if I want to continue in this relationship or not. This isn’t the relationship I got into & is no longer meeting my needs. It feels selfish, but since I’ll be 39yo in a few weeks I feel like I don’t have time to wait around seeing where this will go.
I have tried to talk to him about it, but he sees this as building something for our future. However, at this point I’m having trouble seeing a future with us in it. I want a family, but not with someone who isn’t going to be around to help raise our child. He already has two kids, so it isn’t a big deal to him. I’m practically 39yo & have compromised fertility already, so if I’m going to get pregnant it needs to be sooner rather than later which really puts a clock on my decision because if I leave I have to start over with finding someone I can have a future with. I don’t want to do that desperate to get married & have a baby thing, but being with him, talking about our future together, getting married, & have a family of our own has stirred up those feelings.
There is more to it, of course. Isn’t there always? So that compounded with the work issues has me wondering if it’s even worth the effort to work through the other problems we’ve been having. I’ve always been the one to leave though, I never stick around to put in the work, so that partly drives my desire to stay. I don’t know what I’m going to do at this point, but I’m hoping maybe putting it into words here will help me figure it out.
If you read through all of that, thanks. If you are a regular who is still reading this blog, thank you. Being in a relationship is a lot of work for me, as I am old & set in my ways, & very much a hermit, so I guess it has taken up most of my energy & I haven’t had a lot left over for blogging. I think about it a lot, but as much as I have blahblahed about some deeply personal stuff, talking about my relationship feels so much more personal. I have no idea why, since our issues seem to be pretty universal cohabitating couple stuff, but I’m weird.