I’ve always been in this sort of perpetual state of existential longing. I feel like something’s missing.
~Juliana Hatfield (Brainy Quotes)
Woke up at seven this morning, after staying up until 4:30am blogging & watching Farscape, worried about who I am. Am I what I believe myself to be, or am I what others see? Am I what I should be? where I should be in life? Am I good enough? Am I good person? How do others see me? Is that really who I am? Naturally, in that mental state the answer is never good. I’m really feeling this post on existential depression right now.
I am not where I want to be, not for now, not for my future. Not liking who I am right now is eating at me. If nothing else, I’m bored. I’m doing so much better than I was & while I’ve still got a way to go, I’m ready to get back out in the real world. Not just because I think other people think I’m a loser & a waste of potential. I was smart! I was supposed to be doing something with my life, something important! Not living with my dad, collecting a check, & doing what most would define as nothing. I’ve actually been quite busy, but not doing anything they would recognize as work of any sort; especially since so far I’m not getting paid for any of it. But one day, one day…
When I get like that I try to remember I define myself & my opinion of myself is the only one that matters. I am loved by many people, so I can’t be that bad. Even if that one cousin does always give me the side eye at holidays. -_- Fuck you, T! Fuck you! Alas, I respect my grandmother & my father too much to ever yell it for real. But they’re not always going to be around, are they? Of course, when they’re gone I’ll never have to see that asshole again.
When grappling with these issues, discard the opinions of assholes, but give great weight to those of the people who love you. See yourself through their eyes. When I feel bad about myself, mentally or physically, I look in the mirror & work to see myself the way I see the people who matter to me. Love looks for the good & is understanding of the not so good. That’s how they see us & that’s how we should see ourselves. Our perceptions are colored by love.
I guess I’m at an existential crossroads (crisis feels like too strong a word). I am at point of growth, and need to choose a path. Typically, I’m paralyzed by anxiety about making the right decision. There was a plan & it got waylaid, in a tragic way.
A couple of weeks after leaving my ex & moving back in with my dad, I got an offer from a friend to move into an apartment in her now-fiance’s house. Of course there’s lots of family drama around it, but the short version is he wanted his elderly mother to come live with him. I was going to get the apartment in exchange for sitting with her during the day while they were at work. Since I didn’t leave my relationship in a good place financially, it sounded like a great offer. It put me in a nearby larger city with a lot more social, treatment, & job opportunities for me. But then…
Me living alone in the apartment & sitting with her during the day, became a list of things wrong with the apartment so it would be better if they stayed down there so I could be in the better part of the house; plus, it would let them sleep through the night not having to worry about her. mmhmm Turns out the apartment needs some big, pricey work done & even if I do move down there it would be a bit before it was ready. Which is why they suggested moving there instead of me, because they would just make do & not have to worry about it as much as if I lived down there. But that whole thing gave me a big pause. My own place & a day-time gig sounds a lot better than sharing a house with a pretty much twenty-four hour gig.
Then, just before they were to move her in, the mom had to go to the hospital. Turns out, she’d had a stroke at some point, maybe a couple of weeks earlier, & the people who had been living with her & taking care of her hadn’t even noticed, or just not bothered to do anything about it. So, she was in the hospital & then sent to rehab for a couple of weeks. Then before she was released, she had gotten well enough to get up on her own, & she fell, hurting her ankle. Her stay was extended. Then they had a new date, they were supposed to bring her home last week, but she ended up back in the hospital where they discovered she had a broken hip & congestive heart failure. She needed surgery but it couldn’t be done until she was stronger, so another stay in the hospital. Then — she died.
I was planning on moving up in a couple of weeks regardless. I’ve been pushing it off because until the apartment was ready for somebody to live in, my room was going to be the living room. You may know I have a desperate need for plenty of quality alone time. I cannot have people up in my space, so living room living will not work for long. However, I need to move on with my life, even if it’s uncomfortable for a while. It’s not like if it doesn’t work out I can’t move back in with Daddy, or to another friend’s in a pinch.
So that’s where I’m at. I’ve been wanting to go back to work part-time, then full-time when I can show I’m well enough to handle it long-term, but there isn’t anything around here. There’s a lot more where I’ll be moving too, so hopefully I can find something meaningful & willing to give a chance to someone who hasn’t worked in years & has a terrible job record the last few years she did work. I joined a group there & have already made some new friends at events.
I’ve been thinking about my options and where I want to be in life a good deal these days, so I suppose that translates into existential anxiety. The need to make a move coupled with the fear of making a move, & the fear of what not making a move will mean.
She has always told me even if the mom didn’t come there they wanted me to move in anyway, & when she called to let me know the mom had passed, she reiterated the offer. They had already converted the room for the mom, so my plan is to let them know I am still moving. Whenever he is ready to put his mom’s things away, in his own time, I’ll move. She’s told me before if the mom didn’t come they would give me some time to sort things out financially before I need to pay anything.
It’s a good situation (as long as they are okay; I hate living with couples), & at the risk of sounding crass, I have better job options now I can work during the day.
That’s my day. How’s yours going? 🙂