People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messed cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.
~Chuck Palahniuk (Brainy Quotes)
I’m catching up on the back podcasts of the Mental Health Happy Hour & heard something that got me to thinking. It’s the Danielle Koenig interview. I don’t remember what they were talking about, because these words jumped out at me & that’s all I remember from that part of their conversation.
“It’s abusive to keep dumping on your friends when you won’t get help.”
I’ve been turning that idea of in my mind & trying to decide how I feel about it. A part of me agrees with it, but then a part of me knows what it feels like to be stuck in a problem rut either not knowing what to do or being afraid of what I need to do, or (like now) not being a position to change what is wrong. It’s good to have friends who will listen to you endlessly & encourage you to lift yourself up.
Some people do seem to make a lifestyle out of having problems though. They never want to fix anything because they seem to enjoy the attention they get from being sick or put upon or whatever, or they act like they want to fix it but constantly come with excuses why they can’t. I also think there’s an element of control to it, as well as not having to take responsibility for their lives & actions. They never take care of themselves or do anything to improve their lot, & every time you talk to them the conversation revolves around what’s wrong with them. And we can’t forget if you have any problems, their problems are worse. I grew up with family members like that, & those people really try my patience. For my own sanity, I try to distance myself from people like that.
I often find myself wanting to shake them & tell them to either do something about their problems or shut up. What keeps me from doing that is the memory of having someone say that to me. I have had recurrent suicidal thoughts since I was in high school, & it never goes away regardless of meds or therapy or how good my life is. That is what has led to both my hospitalizations & my residential treatment program (which I ended up in because I refused to be hospitalized again).
I was talking to a friend about feeling suicidal one day, & he told me “Either do it or shut up about it.” This was someone I had been friends with for more than a decade. Needless to say we are no longer friends. It wasn’t an immediate end, but I definitely knew I couldn’t talk to him about how I was feeling anymore. That was very hurtful, especially since he basically told me to kill myself. What a jackass.
So that’s what I’m thinking about now, & would love to hear some other opinions about dealing with people stuck in a problem rut.
In other news, I’m still trying to shake off my mood from last week, but I’m going to start working on my 4mi goal today regardless. Getting back out there will be the surest way to work through the lingering emotions. I can only lay in bed for so long before I start feeling like a lumpy turd.