My Year To Thrive

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style." ~Maya Angelou


I Think I Can’t, I Think I Can’t, Oh Wait – I Did It

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” 
~Nelson Mandela (Good Reads)

A sloth hanging off a basket ball hoop with a ball in the net, caption: It took me four months to dunk this but WIN!This sloth does not want to hear any of your excuses. (source)

One of my favorite things about a run is early in when it feels too hard & I don’t think I’ll be able to run the whole thing, but I keep pushing – because I know I can do it – then I break through, hit my stride, & feel like I could run forever (or you know, at least till I finish this run).  I have a tendency to start too fast, so this happens a lot.  By “alot” I mean every time.  My legs don’t understand slowing down to go the distance, they just know they can go faster!  They may be well-meaning, but my legs aren’t very bright.  (FYI: I have two tricks for dealing with that overly dramatic feeling of “I can’t go on!”)

Since running is my headspace, & I’m out there for over an hour three times a week, you know I get to do a lot of thinking about this.  A lot of that time is spent thinking about how to apply the ability to push on when it hurts, to move through the pain & those can’t-do feelings, to hit my stride & reach my goals to areas of my life other than running.  I haven’t figured that out yet.  Sore legs & labored breathing are a lot easier to push through than all those fears & doubts & self-loathing planted in my brain since childhood.  I’m working on it though!  My regular readers know that I have started making some changes that will put me in uncomfortable territory, so I’ll be testing it out soon enough.

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So A Lot of People Find Me By Searching On Suicide

Most of my search engine hits come from Google image searches.  In one early post I used an image of a painting featuring a woman jumping off a bridge, & I have since then mentioned that I get a lot of hits of people searching for suicide by jumping off a bridge.

I recently discovered I have a running count of search terms people use to find my blog going back to the beginning.  Here are the top five all time most popular search terms used to find my blog:

committing suicide 115
suicide bridge 79
suicide victims by jumping 76
suicide by jumping 55
jumping off a bridge 47

Here is number six:

macaroni salad 43

And to round it out, here are numbers seven through ten:

people committing suicide 31
jumping off bridge 24
suicide jumping 24
bridge suicide 23

Granted, I have discussed the issue of suicide in a few posts here, but that picture is the only time it has been related to a bridge.  Every day I have hits like this.  It concerns me that this many people are doing suicide related searches.  Of course that doesn’t mean all of these people are considering suicide, but for those that are:

Suicide is just one answer to whatever problems you are facing right now, & it’s not the best one.  But it is the permanent one.

Whether you realize it or not, there are people who love & care about you, who would be devastated if you died.  I know when you’re in the darkness it doesn’t feel like it, but that doesn’t diminish the truth of your place in their life & their love for you.

But don’t just hang on living in pain & suffering for someone else, get help.  There are people who want to help you.  I don’t know where you are, or what your situation is, but I know there has to be someone who can help you, even if it’s just to find the right place to go.  Talk to someone.  Be honest.  I’m alive today because I was.  And no lie, it’s a daily struggle not to give in to the bleakness & the voices, but once you do give in all your other options are closed.  All the things you might have done in your life, all the other lives you might have touched, are gone.

Here is a list of numbers for those in the USA who do not feel they have anyone they can turn to:

For those outside the USA, here is a list of international suicide hotlines by country: International Suicide Hotlines

For those in the GLBTQ community who want to know they person on the other end understands their particular issues, here is a link to The Trevor Project & their Trevor Lifeline.

This page provides links to other pages for depression & suicide, where you can find other people who know how you feel, & many who have come through it.

However hopeless it feels right now, nothing is truly hopeless as long as you’re alive to fight through it.  I know how it feels to be empty & alone, to not be able to see any kind of happiness ahead of you.  To feel like your best option is to end it all, & that it would be the best thing not just for you but for everyone.  But I’ve called the hotlines & I’ve talked to people about how I feel.  I have this blog & a new blog just for being wacky & bipolar.  I write things on paper, too.

I often feel like nobody gives a shit about me, but I have to keep reminding myself it’s the disease talking.  I have to constantly remind myself of all the loving things people have done for me in my life.  Like I said before, it’s a battle I fight every day not to give in to the voices that tell me I’m useless & everyone would be better off if I were dead.  It’s not easy to overcome it, even for a little while, but it’s worth it when I have those good days, or just good moments.  And I just keep moving forward & try to take care of myself, believing someday it’s going to get better & I’ll have a year where the good days outweigh the bad.

So hang in there.  It can get better, but only if you’re around to see it.


Beating Myself Up: Am I Too Weak Or Lazy Or Uncaring?

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”
~Kenji Miyazawa
(Quote Garden)

MySpace Sympathy Graphics

Okay, I’m still working on transcribing the blog post I recorded during my walk yesterday.  But I needed to get this out because it’s eating me alive.

The father of my older brother & sister died the other day.  His visitation was Wednesday & his funeral was Thursday morning.  I did not go to either one.  He was my mother’s first husband, & I hardly knew him, but I wanted to go for them. Continue reading