I am not well. I am broken inside. I am broken almost all-the-way deep, and I don’t know…I don’t know if I can ever be unbroken, let alone well again”.
~Carrie Jones, Entice (Goodreads)
I began writing this post Friday night & finished it last night, so it follows my thought patterns from emotionally overwrought & hopeless to the rational mind that understands what happened in hindsight. For those who might be triggered (I’m trying to be more sensitive & aware of triggers!) I discuss issues with emotional abuse by my mother, emotional issues around men & dating, & suicidal thoughts (mentions, nothing detailed).
I made the mistake of hoping again. I thought maybe this time would be different. But it wasn’t. I haven’t dated in ten years. Not sure if I’ve mentioned that, but I haven’t dated since my ex left. There’s a story behind it I’ve just started processing since deciding to date again, but I won’t get into that now. Suffice it to say, I have decided I’ve wasted enough years of my life on him & it’s time to move on. Unfortunately, all I want is a guy who will be nice to me & it seems like none of those guys are interested in me. I feel like I only have value to men who can fuck me & when they don’t get that they lose interest. What is so wrong with me a man can see any other use for me? I keep hearing my mother’s words in my head:
You’re ugly. You’re lazy. You’re stupid. You’re worthless. No one could ever love you. I wish you would die.
When you raise a child putting that into their head every day, it never goes away. It is a mark on their soul, a voice in their head, an ache in their heart that never goes away. It is a wound that can’t be healed. And life is nothing more than proof everything they were told is right.
It all feels so true. How could anyone ever love someone like me? Why would anyone decent even want someone like me? Every time I let myself have any hope, it’s crushed & every time I’m left feeling worse than before. I feel like it’s not even worth living anymore if this is all I have to look forward to. I feel so hopeless & miserable. I give up. I just can’t keep trying when all it does is leave me feeling more empty & alone than before. Yet again I find myself sitting here thinking about how much easier it would be if I could just die & get it over with. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of feeling weird & abnormal. I’m tired of feeling like anyone of substance would never be interested in me.
~
I had a major meltdown Friday, like I have not had in quite some time. I was at a friend’s birthday party when I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being unlovable, unable to ever be happy, so broken I can ever be fixed.
I had recently been introduced a guy who works with a friend of mine, & we had swapped a few texts. I had sent him a couple of texts the day before & not heard back, so Friday night my mind just went down the rabbit hole. Being ignored, not even given the courtesy of any reply, put me back as that little girl whose mother was telling her she is ugly, lazy, worthless, unlovable. As irrational as I knew it was, my brain was on autopilot.
I started crying & all I wanted to do was be alone. I left to go home, but my friend followed me out wanting to know why I was leaving. All I could tell her was I was irreparably broken & no one could ever love me, & I would rather die than have to spend my life alone. I left not knowing what I was going to do, but I spent the next two days in bed fighting with myself about wanting to kill myself. I considered going back to the hospital, but did not want to go back there so soon. Worst. Psych hospital. Ever. I pretty much stayed in bed from Friday night to Monday.
It’s hard feeling those things, knowing it’s irrational, & not being able to stop it. I did some research & read up on emotional dysregulation & emotional hyperreactivity. I was really feeling the hyperreactivity that night. My feelings were based on something real, but they were way out of proportion to the situation. OMG A BOY DIDN’T TEXT ME BACK BY THE NEXT DAY! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD!! I have never been that strung out about a guy in my life, & especially not now for some flibbertigibbet who was way too young for me anyway.
On top of that, I hadn’t slept well the night before, had spent the day running errands with a friend which had me tired out, & now I was at a surprise party surrounded by happy people & goings-on. Plus, my dinner was cake & ice cream, so I don’t think all that sugar on an empty stomach helped any. It was a very long day on top of the guy stuff on top of the “othered” feeling I get at busy, happy events like parties. All of the people & activity seems to trigger my depersonalization/derealization. It makes me feel like something that exists outside humanity. Something that will never feel that happiness & connectedness the people around me seem to be feeling. I will never be able to just take happiness for granted.
I hate that I ruined my friend’s birthday, but some things can’t be helped. I have problems with emotional regulation. I can be going along fine & then WHOOM! something comes over me – feelings, memories, hopelessness. It hits the hardest during happy times. I don’t know how to be happy, not really happy. I live with the constant fear of the other shoe dropping, so happiness is a double-edged sword. Growing up, we could only be happy when our mother was happy. When she was miserable, everyone had to be miserable so being happy was a punishable offense. I always feel fake when I’m happy, like it’s not the real me. It isn’t my natural state. I second guess everything. I don’t just look a gift horse in the mouth, I bring a laryngoscope & ask it to open up & say “ah”.
It is hard for me to put myself out there to meet new people. It’s not just about risking rejection, it’s that perceived rejection can take me back to feeling worthless & unlovable, & lead to catastrophizing & suicidal thoughts. Emotional dysregulation, or emotional hyperreactivity, makes everything so much more fun because my brain just spins out of control with this stuff.
~
This was odd to write starting it in an irrationally emotional place, & then finishing it when I felt rational & had pretty much moved passed the event. But there it is! I did still think it was worth finishing & putting out here. I’m sure a lot of people can identify with these feelings, with or without mental health issues. Who hasn’t freaked out about something they were embarrassed about later?
I would love to hear from people with similar experiences!
Emotional Dysregulation @ Wikipedia
Emotional Dysregulation @ PCH Treatment
Emotional Regulation in Bipolar Disorder
My Year To Thrive 
April 13, 2024 at 12:30 pm
i’ve decided that I will self terminate I will use an exit bag with a DNR in place my concern is some one will find me and disturb what I am doing
April 26, 2024 at 7:37 am
Rick, it’s letting me reply to you so hopefully you’ll see this because I don’t want to make your pain public. I hope you see this in time.
I can’t know what is going on in your life. I can’t possibly know what kind of pain you’re in to come to this decision. But, I hope there is some way for you to rethink this decision. I hope there is someone you can reach out to to help you think through what is happening and find other options. There are few situations that don’t have another option, although often those options can be difficult.
I don’t know if you’re in the USA, but if you are there is the national suicide hotline 988. Please call it. If you are not in the United States please find the resource in your area. Rick, if you are unable to find resources in your area and you are unable to afford or otherwise access them to help you with whatever you’re going through, please respond. I will give you more contact information. Because I would love to continue conversation.
I don’t know who you are, but what you are going through matters to me. Your pain and helping you through it is important. I want to know you are able to move beyond this feeling that your life isn’t worth continuing. Please reach out to some resources in your area, and if you do not or cannot please reach out to me.
October 17, 2018 at 7:49 am
I am broken too. I am broken on many levels, mentally, emotionally, physically. I have lost my old self. He is dead. I try to climb out of this pit via my faith, but that’s broken too. That’s in the pit with me. All I can do is accept that I am broken. There is a strange comfort in accepting that I am unlikely to be fixed. At least I am not lying to myself by pretending everything is going to be alright when it isn’t. I refuse to use distractions to keep me going. No, if this is how life wants to treat me, fine. So be it.
July 18, 2018 at 4:42 pm
i’ve been broken this month for anonymous reasons…I have no clue how i get through each day in this condition…
July 13, 2018 at 12:00 am
This was like reading about my own life. I can’t even recall when and how it started for me, feels like i’ve always been like this, like this is who iam. Daydreaming my life away about life i cannot have, avoiding reality and when i have to face it, i break down. I have had break downs so bad that i throw stuff and squat in the corner holding my head and losing it, but not infront of others. To others im this friendly guy who makes jokes and has a constant smile on his face..
April 22, 2018 at 4:41 pm
OMG! I am sitting here bawling as I read this. My mother told me “No man will ever love you!” My rationale mind knows that she was really talking about herself, projecting, but those words are seared into my mind and heart..and part of me believes it. People think of me as strong and I dare not let them see me crumbling. I’ve come to a point in life where I am divorced, disabled and an empty nester. My 6 kids are grown and either in school or building their own life. (As you can see, I surrounded myself with life and love.) Between being distant or busy, I am no longer so necessary in their lives – as it should be, but it still hurts. I am afraid I will be homeless come 2 more months and I don’t know how to do that when I need oxygen 24/7. So I am feeling broken both mentally and physically. Who would want to be with someone on oxygen…even IF I WAS lovable? I cry myself to sleep and I wake up crying. I have taken some positive steps to help myself with aid from the State but there are no guarantees. And then there are days I cannot do more than feed the dogs. (And, yes, I have prayed for God to take me. Life is just too hard. Other days, I pray for His help.) I have reached out to old friends (my kids have been my friends for quite a while now.) But I feel ashamed of my situation. Disabled, overweight and needy. Your article has helped a little in that I’m not alone. I never imagined anyone else’s mother told them they were unlovable. I have been single for about 10 years now and I’m okay if I’m single for the rest of my life but I would rather have someone to share with. In this state of mind, I may as well be stranded on a desert island for it seems like I just keep going over all the mistakes I have made in my life that have brought me to this point. Thank you for letting me spill this out. It has been somewhat therapeutic. I do know there are people with worse problems in this life. God help us all.
March 23, 2018 at 7:01 pm
I feel shattered as well, for many reasons and I can relate deeply to some points in your story. I’ve been single since birth and I can’t seem to find a decent job no matter how hard I try. I have to keep going but nowadays it takes me longer to be able to get out of my bed. I wake up with a pain in my stomach and I can’t even cry properly. I’m no relationship guru but, did consider dating men from different race? I mean you can sign up in a dating website and state that you’re interested in interracial relationship. For some reason people appreciate women/men from different race more.
March 1, 2018 at 2:39 pm
This is so me to a tee!! It wasn’t my parents that made me feel this way it was my grade school classmates. Everything else feels the same without the party meltdown Right now I’m sooo broken I don’t know how to continue. I’m not living. I’m existing. My family says they’re there for me, but they have busy lives. One family member actually”shamed me” for having had suicidal thoughts. Really?? Talk about kick me when I’m down!!
February 23, 2018 at 4:52 am
darkness has taken root inside and i cannot get out. i was in a relationship with someone. everything was going great until last August? September? her family perished in a bus accident and she told me to live in peace and happiness.
January 8, 2018 at 8:26 pm
I know where you’re coming from. I too, don’t feel like everybody else. Stemming from extreme amounts of loss and abandonment issues. My self confidence is at an all time low. Tears streaming down as I write this. I feel as if I’m getting denied in every way shape or form of the reality and mentality that I wish I had. I’m alone and lonely and all of the above.