An Update, Only Four Years Late

March 10, 2019 by despitemyself 1 Comment

 Basically.

 

Hello, dusty blog. Someone emailed the other day requesting I update. I planned to get around to it, but when I thought about it recently I realized “the other day” was 2015. Whoops. There have been a lot of things I want to talk about, but obviously haven’t sat down to do that. Tonight I was thinking about posting something on Facebook & decided to put it here instead. Based on the responses I have gotten on other posts, I think it’s something a lot of you can identify with. I’ll open with the poignant bit, so those of you easily bored don’t have to read through my whole update to see it.

I have undergone a lot of changes. A lot of positive stuff is happening for me, but I have recently hit the point in recovery where I have sort of plateaued. I had all these basic things I wanted: stability, my own place, going back work, going back to school. I still haven’t finished my novel (rewriting) but I did try my hand at stand-up. I got some laughs, but didn’t like people paying attention to me. So I unlocked all of those achievements, & here comes the new quest line. Back to things that take time or are out of my control. Back to wanting. Back to dissatisfaction. Back to spending too much time in my own head imagining a world where those things are real. It’s frustrating, so I’ve been feeling a little melancholy lately.

I’m not ready to say some of the things out loud – even to myself – because they still feel stupid. When you grow up with an abusive parent, wanting becomes a weapon. You are trained you don’t deserve those things and you’re a fool for even thinking you could ever have/do it. It sticks with you. A really simple example is I learned not to say what I wanted to watch on TV, because they would turn it. (I figured out if I complained about something I would get to watch that. Is it obvious I had brothers? 😀 ) So not the big problem, but I think it’s an easy enough illustration of learning not to want or let others know what you want because they will work to make sure you don’t get it or feel like you deserve it. Some things are just stupid to want. I can’t have them, so why bother? Probably I can’t have them. Maybe, but probably not. IDK. It’s a whole thing. Life is complicated. I am now middle-aged & have a lot to look back on. So that’s the whiny part.

Overall, I’m good. Things have been going really well. I’ve been on my current meds since 2014 & really stable. Honestly, this is the best my life has ever been. I’m working, at a job I enjoy – with the exception of The Shit Weasel. My therapeutic goal was to be able to hold a job for a year, & I’ve been there over a year & a half now. Yay! It’s retail, so nothing flashy but I do a good job, & am well liked by my coworkers & customers (except for The Shit Weasel). It’s +30hrs a week, so full time for retail. I have benefits which is nice. I finally went back to school. (I have been talking about it since I got my master’s in 2001. I just didn’t know what I wanted after social work tried to kill me.) Having settled in a tech-centric city, I’m going the computer science route. I had intended to get my PhD eventually, so I’m thinking data analysis would be interesting. Math was always one of my favorite subjects & I’m loving it. I dread getting into the actual computer stuff though, because I know so little. I took one systems class in 1995 & it covered MS-DOS. Is that still a thing? The only thing I ever really used it for outside of class was during my grad internship (2000-2001). Our computer was so old, it still had the green & black screen, & whenever you shutdown Windows it just shut down Windows rather than the whole computer. I was the only person who knew the command to bring it back up. >_<

I still have my doggie boys & more friends than I know what to do with. I had a birthday party a couple of years ago & so many people showed up it was crazy. It was standing room only with some spilling outside. It was great. I still can’t believe it. I have sorta started dating again. My ex was a nightmare, not sure how much of that I shared here. I guess I can look back & maybe share more about it. It would be a good study in how people end up in abusive relationships. I went out with one guy a couple of times, but no sparks. Beyond that I’ve chatted with some guys but nothing has come of it. I’m trying though. Sort of. Off & on. It’s hard to keep up the momentum, especially now I’m so busy.

I had gastric sleeve surgery in October. I’m not getting into weight talk, because that’s boring & not what this blog is about. My reasons for doing it are complicated & personal. It was a good decision though & I have no regrets. I have considered how my surgery fits into HAES & into this blog. Ultimately I have decided it does because I say so & it’s my blog. :p

I have continued running on & off, but have been off of it since 2017. I developed Achilles’s tendonitis early 2018 & that is still healing. I’m on my feet all day at work, so no running, walking, etc as exercise. I have an exercise bike at home & started doing aqaucise at a nearby gym. That’s been a struggle the last several weeks because of school. I have needed all my extra time for studying & trying to keep up. I hadn’t had a math class since 1993.

Hope all of you are well. I need to get to my homework. Thanks to those of you who are still reading, this post & this dusty old blog. I’m going to try & post more. I only get to see my therapist once a month, & have thought writing about things here & covering them with her would be useful.