How Do You Keep Living When You’re Broken Beyond Repair?

I am not well. I am broken inside. I am broken almost all-the-way deep, and I don’t know…I don’t know if I can ever be unbroken, let alone well again”. 
~Carrie Jones, Entice (Goodreads)

I began writing this post Friday night & finished it last night, so it follows my thought patterns from emotionally overwrought & hopeless to the rational mind that understands what happened in hindsight.  For those who might be triggered (I’m trying to be more sensitive & aware of triggers!)  I discuss issues with emotional abuse by my mother, emotional issues around men & dating, & suicidal thoughts (mentions, nothing detailed).

I made the mistake of hoping again. I thought maybe this time would be different. But it wasn’t. I haven’t dated in ten years. Not sure if I’ve mentioned that, but I haven’t dated since my ex left. There’s a story behind it I’ve just started processing since deciding to date again, but I won’t get into that now. Suffice it to say, I have decided I’ve wasted enough years of my life on him & it’s time to move on. Unfortunately, all I want is a guy who will be nice to me & it seems like none of those guys are interested in me. I feel like I only have value to men who can fuck me & when they don’t get that they lose interest. What is so wrong with me a man can see any other use for me? I keep hearing my mother’s words in my head:

Train Your Brain | Runner’s World

I long to accomplish a great & noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great & noble.
~Helen Keller 

(source)

 

I realized last night after posting my weekly update, I did not in fact already have a post queued up for today.  What I did have was a bookmark file of articles I’ve been meaning to blog about.  Ta dah!

Train Your Brain

I’m slow.  If you’ve read any of my running updates you know this.  I like to meander & daydream while I run.  I think about all sorts of things, totally random.  I have found when I focus on my running I am faster, but I don’t care much about being fast & prefer my ruminations.

When I’m on the treadmill, which is all the time these days, I don’t have much time for my thoughts since I’m watching the readouts.  It’s boring, so I like to play with my speed & do intervals.  I also use the Zombies, Run! app.  The treadmill is a lot less fun, but I do like being able to set my speed.

According to Gigi Douban at Runner’s World:

Knowing how you think on the run can improve your workouts—and your mood.

and

 “Running gives you the freedom to access those inner processes that the busy outer world often robs you of,” says James P. Brennan, Ph.D., an adjunct professor of human behavior at Muhlenberg College in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

The article discusses the four most common types of thinking on the run: organizing, problem solving, wandering, & pondering.  She also gives some tips on dealing with negative thoughts weighing you down during your runs.

 

Weekly Update: Jan 21-27, 2013

“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.”
~C. JoyBell C. (Goodreads)

This week I don’t have much of an update.  I got the first two days done, for me that is stretch/strength & the 2mi run, & I played an hour of tennis in class on Tuesday.  I did pretty good & actually managed to win a game.  Huzzah!  I skipped class & the gym to stay in bed Wednesday.  It must have been a warm-up, because I had a melt down Friday night like I haven’t had in a while & have spent the weekend in bed recovering in solitude (while watching the final episodes of Fringe btw. whaaaaa!).

I started a post about it, & it’s still in progress.  So much is coming up around this & I’m not sure how much of it I’m comfortable posting.  Someone told me a few weeks ago I need to write my stories down, so I’ve been meaning to write more about my life here, but some of those things are very personal & painful.  Some things are just now bubbling to the service since I decided to start dating again.

There is already a post scheduled for tomorrow, so what I’m working on now might become Wednesday’s post.

Hope you all had a lovely week!

Shame-Loss Ads | The Nearsighted Owl

I am going to take weight loss ads and redraw them to be body positive. Instead of encouraging you to drop pounds, they will celebrate dropping our body shame and fat hate! It was satisfying to take a message I have been assaulted with since the holidays and transform it into something I am in love with.
~Rachele, The Nearsighted Owl

All images are from The Nearsighted Owl & clicking them takes you to the source post.

I’m So Tired Of Being Patient

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind.  Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy.  Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality.  Wake Up and Live!
~Bob Marley (Brainy Quotes)

(source)

After coming out of a years long bout of Depression, I look back on all the years wasted behind me & all I want to do is live.  I want everything all at once, & it’s killing me I can’t have it.

People keep telling me to be patient & I am losing my patience with them.  There are time-sensitive things I wanted to do, like have a baby, & I’m watching my time slip by me while I can’t even date anyone seriously because I’m not staying here.  I’m trying to get out & meet men to at least have some male companionship (winkwinknudgenudge), but it’s so hard when you’ve spent the three years since you had to move home isolated & feeling like a worthless failure.  I’m starting from scratch.  Being an atheist in the bible belt isn’t helping matters any.

Weekly Update: Jan. 14-20

“If you can’t fly, then run.
If you can’t run, then walk.
If you can’t walk, then crawl.
But whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Finished week 1 of the Hal Higdon 10K novice program.  Hurray!  I did all the workouts, plus stretches, dynamic stretches, & core work in my strength training class on Wednesday.  I took Thursday off, so did my “long run” Sunday.

10 reasons why it Was Worth Getting Out Of Bed Today

I find it immensely helpful to look at lists of days past and see that there was always something that I gained from getting out of bed, even if it was just a cup of tea or experiencing a fortunately timed gust of a warm breeze.
~Anxiety Cat

(source)

Anxiety Cat | If any of you ever have trouble getting out of bed…

As I have in many years past, I have started a paper journal of sorts for the year.  I have a list of things to track & it’s always fun to see how far I get each year. ;~)  It started when a therapist several years ago wanted me to write down three things I liked about myself every day.  It had to be three & no, I couldn’t use the same things every day.  It seemed like a daunting task.  I’m still threatened by the idea of having to come up with three reasons to like myself every day, but one is manageable.

This year my daily list involves:

• Something I Like About Myself
• Three Goals For Today
• Something Good About Today
• Something I Love
• Something I Am Afraid Of
• What Made Me Anxious Today

If you listen to the Mental Illness Happy Hour, you probably recognize the love/afraid of items.  I was inspired to track my own list of loves & fears by the show.  I am hopeful adding the list of things that make me anxious will help me tame the beast by getting those things out of my head & onto paper where I can see just how silly they are.  My list gives me something to think about in the morning & at night which I like.  I get to plan ahead & reflect back on the day.

I found the worksheet above on tumblr & thought I would share it here for anyone who needs a little nudge from time to time.

Enjoy & I would love to hear if this helps anyone, or if you do something similar!

Ways To Stress Less

I reblogged this on tumblr last week, & thought “Hey, why don’t I share this on my blog?”  So here you go!

My Depersonalization Episodes

The core symptom of depersonalization disorder is the subjective experience of “unreality in one’s sense of self”, and as such there are no clinical signs. Patients who suffer from depersonalization also experience an almost uncontrollable urge to question and think about the nature of reality and existence as well as other deep philosophical questions.
~Wikipedia “Depersonalization Disorder”

(Buzzle)

I was diagnosed with having Depersonalization episodes during my last hospital stay.  I had suspected it for years, but the therapist I was seeing at the time (a newbie) seemed rather frightened when I mentioned it & went back to what we had been discussing before I brought it up.  That was okay.  I did a lot of research on the internet & the episodes weren’t particular disturbing, so whatev.  The biggest impact the diagnosis had on me was learning nausea & light-headedness were a part of the episodes.  I have always had issues with those, but no one was every able to find a physical reason why.

Reading over other people’s experiences in the Depersonalization tag on tumblr, it occurred to me I have never talked about mine.  I read some things that rang true for me, but I had never associated with Depersonalization, so it prompted me to talk about my experience.

Using Workout Time Well: A Personal Trainer’s Tips | Life Lived Healthfully

“Time, or lack there of, is one of the biggest obstacles we face when trying to stick to our exercise regiment. Whether it is getting in a run before work or pumping some iron in between classes, making the most of our gym time is crucial.”

Katie, personal trainer (source: original post)

Using Workout Time Well: A Personal Trainer’s Tips | Life Lived Healthfully

It’s January & the gyms are jam-packed.  Most people have made resolutions to get fit/healthy/skinny/muscley/whatever.  That makes this some very timely advice!  Especially for once the New Year’s high wears off & all the stuff you’ve been ignoring while you’re at the gym comes back to haunt you.  (There’s always something, right?)

So here are some tips from a personal trainer on making the most of your time in the gym (or wherever you are) from Sarah at Life Lived Healthfully.

1. Circuit train
2. Think big muscle groups
3. Short rest breaks
4. Add cardio
5. Plan ahead

Those are the points condensed to their most basic, but I suggest you click through & read the post in its entirety for more detailed advice.